The Wait by Lindsey Dietz

In the summer of 2008, my husband had just graduated from Christ For The Nations Institute. Excited that he finally had the tools in his belt to step into the full-time ministry calling we had been seeking our entire lives together, we moved back to the Panhandle and in with my mom. We didn't think we'd be there long. After all, weren't churches lining up to interview us for full-time positions? Over half of our income from September through December was from churches who paid us to come and interview, lead worship, and meet with their staff. Two churches called us in three times. We thought we were in high demand and that it wouldn't be long before we stepped into the life we'd always dreamed of.

Those four months of interviewing, sure we would find "the church" in no time, turned into four years. The first year was the hardest of all. We affectionately refer to that time of our lives as "Year 5". 

Year 5 was awful on so many levels. On the surface, moving back in with your mom after five years of marriage and two kids is rough. We had to live with her because we were post-school and had no money. Moving back to the Panhandle was difficult too because we had made some of the best friends of our lives at school, and they weren't there anymore. If you don't know anything about CFNI, the best thing I can compare it to is a bubble. It is a spiritual bubble where you are surrounded by people who share the same calling and beliefs as you do. You live on campus, work on campus, hang out on campus. Your kids go to preschool on campus. Other than grocery shopping or eating out occasionally, you rarely leave the bubble. Moving back to the Panhandle was almost culture shock to us!

David had waited tables while he was in school, and we were glad that the same restaurant he worked at in Dallas was also in Amarillo. He had a job waiting for him as soon as we came home. Our kids were still very little, just 3 and 4 years old. I'm so glad we had them because they gave us a reason to establish a day-to-day routine. Waiting tables was supposed to be a temporary gig, something to pay the few bills we had at my mom's until a church hired us. 

We were all home together everyday until 5:00 when he would leave for work. We fell into our routine of waking up, eating breakfast together, playing outside before it got hot, having lunch, taking afternoon naps, and then seeing Daddy off to work. It wasn't too bad at first. When the first four months of being back home came and went and we still didn't have the job we wanted, discouragement and hopelessness started to set in.

I can't really explain the cycle of emotions that we went through, both together as a couple and separately. Neither of us wanted to accept that churches were not, in fact, lined up around the block to hire David. To admit that seemed like giving up or worse, failure. What was the point of going to school and all the other stuff we had done over the years if we couldn't land a job doing what we were called to do?! 

Of course, there were people praying for us and supporting us all over the place, but those prayers and support didn't mean much when we were sitting in my mom's living room, wondering if waiting tables and living off my mom's generosity was it for us.

I've gone back a few times and read journals and blog entries from Year 5. I tried so hard to be strong and spiritual, but really I was so embarrassed. It didn't matter how much I knew about Jesus, how many Scriptures on His provision I memorized, how many times I read Isaiah 40:30-31, how often people told me they were praying for us. I wanted it to matter, but it didn't. I was ashamed that I had to live with my mom again. I was ashamed that my husband waited tables for a living. I was embarrassed that everyone else's preschoolers were at Mother's Day Out, but we couldn't afford it. I was embarrassed that we had one car and that we relied on hand-me-downs for our kids' clothes. 

Our marriage started getting very shake-y. David lost all sense of who he was. We both began to question if he had even been called into the ministry. Night after night he waited tables. There wasn't enough money coming in from that--remember the recession in 2008-2009?--so I went to work part-time at a doctor's office. It was hard enough that David's dreams of ministry weren't fulfilled. Going back to work meant my dreams of staying at home full-time with my kids weren't happening either. 

We argued and nit-picked at each other all the time. I was controlling. He was unmotivated. I am a fixer and a doer, and I wanted to fix him and our circumstances, and when I couldn't do anything, I became more controlling. I would yell; he wouldn't say anything. We quit praying together, quit reading our Bibles. We quit talking about "the calling", and we stopped looking for ministry jobs. I don't think we could have admitted it then, but we'll both readily tell you now that we were mad at God and probably throwing a hissy fit because we weren't getting our way.

After we had lived at my mom's for almost a year, David received a phone call from a local pastor who was planting a church in downtown Amarillo. They needed a worship leader and wanted to know if David would be willing to lead worship on Sunday mornings without pay. I'm glad David told that pastor that he needed to think about it, because he wanted to tell the guy a big, fat NO over the phone.

We talked about it. I was excited. Someone finally found us! This was our chance! David was the exact opposite. He wasn't the least bit interested. I wish I could say that I took the position of a gentle and quiet woman who is pleasing to the Lord, but I didn't. I believe, to this day, that my words came from the Lord, but the execution of what I told my husband lacked grace and love. 

"If you're called to lead worship, you'll do it for free." Those were my words to him. I'm sure they stung his heart and his pride. 

In hindsight, I know that the main reason he wanted to be paid was because we were barely making ends meet and every little bit counted. He's always been a good, dependable bread winner for our family, and even an extra $100 a month would have helped so much. In the back of his mind though, he was also thinking, "I've been to school. This is my calling. I'm a dang good worship leader. I deserve a little something to compensate me for my time."

We argued back and forth about it for a week. Ultimately, he gave in (probably to shut me up) and decided that he would give this gig a try. The Lord gave him a few talents, and I am so proud that my husband was faithful. Week after week, he showed up and gave it his best. It was just him and his guitar--no band, no fancy sound system, nothing. The people weren't worshippers, but David worshipped in spite of that. Every 3-4 months the church would give us a small check, always saying David was worth more but that was all they could bless us with. We made new friends, a few of which are still part of our lives.

We later realized that began a healing in our hearts. Was it the ultimate full-time worship pastor position we wanted? Heck no. Was it glorified in any way? Not even a little. But it was enough to kindle the last bit of hope we had inside of us that maybe, just maybe, we didn't miss God in our calling after all.

The rest of the story is that God moved in our situation after time. We eventually moved out of my mom's house, got an apartment, and a few months later, bought a home. David eventually found a full-time job at a local non-profit, but he did keep waiting tables for another couple of years. When the little church plant didn't make it, we started attending another, larger church, and God worked on our hearts and our marriage even more. We started homeschooling, and little by little, our hearts were knit back together again.

We learned a lot during Year 5 that I wasn't really able to articulate until much later.

First, we learned how amazing our parents really are. They never gave up on us, never made us feel badly or ashamed of our situation, always spoke with great wisdom and understanding, never quit praying, never stopped encouraging, and were a great help to us in so many ways. I used to roll my eyes when my mom would tell me that God had a plan or when my mother-in-law would say that what God had for us was just around the corner. 

Second, the spirit of control had a stronghold in my life. There are a lot of things I would do and say differently if I could re-live this time in our lives. God did a work in my heart later and helped me surrender my need for control. After I did that, David blossomed and continues to blossom. Things I had nagged him about for years he just started doing without me saying anything. I firmly believe it's because I was stifling him as a person with that spirit of control. When that spirit left, there was growth and change in us both that had never been able to take root before. My husband is a radically different man now, and I know it's because God was so good to gently expose the stronghold of control in my life and prune it out so real growth could happen.

Finally, even though I didn't say it with a lot of grace and understanding, this was true for us: If you're called to do it, you'll do it for free. We had to learn the hard way that ministry, true ministry, is how you meet needs and love people when there's absolutely nothing in it for you. When there's no paycheck, no title, no fancy office, no one offering to take you out for lunch. When you're a nobody to everybody but God. I really believe we would have had another (long, exhausting) trip around the proverbial mountain if David had said no and walked away from the opportunity to fulfill his calling without compensation. (And I'm glad that God used my nagging in this one instance! HA!) 

Four years and 20 days after he graduated from CFNI, David was hired as a full-time worship pastor. If you had told me on the day he graduated that we would wait four years for the right job and church to come along, I would have laughed at  you. Now, although those four years (especially the first of the four) were trying, I'm thankful things worked out the way they did. We weren't mature enough in 2008 to take on the ministry that God entrusted us with in 2012. Those four years worked out so much in our character. We would have looked like idiots if we had gotten a full-time position in 2008!

Becky asked me a question: Did you find purpose in the wait?

My answer might surprise you... No, I didn't. In hindsight, I have found purpose in what I went through in my own heart and mind and what my marriage endured. But at the time, no, I didn't find purpose. I also wasn't looking for it. A lot of church-y people would probably frown on that, but I think it's ok. We were ticked off at God. We didn't understand what we were going through would ultimately be for our benefit. God can take (and did take) our anger. Even when I wasn't praying or in the Word or treating my husband very nicely, His love and purpose for me never changed. In the thick of it, I may not have found purpose. But it's what has happened since this experience that has been the true purpose. It's the way I relinquished control in my marriage and allowed my husband to lead. It's the decisions that we've made to minister to people when no one else knew about it. Purpose was found when we finally took that full-time, paid position and actually had some wisdom to impart to others. No, I didn't find purpose then; but I do NOW. I am still using the lessons I learned in the months and years following that "Year 5", and I'm grateful for the experiences that have given me the wisdom to make better choices, speak to people more gracefully, and trust God even when I have no clue what He's doing.

If you're in a waiting period right now, I want to encourage you to just know that it won't last forever. You can roll your eyes at me if you want...I promise I understand. You're going to grow so much in wisdom and character that six months or a year or two from now, you won't even recognize the wiser person staring back at you in the mirror. I still don't recognize her sometimes. 

What does waiting on God look and feel like to you?

*Lindsey Dietz is a full-time mom and homeschool teacher to her two beautiful children.

Her husband, David, recently took a position as Network Administrator at Grace Community Church & School in Tyler, TX.  Lindsey is a gifted writer and former editor of CFN Magazine, The Voice.  She loves to cook with organic foods, has studied nutrition, and has embraced natural living.  She hopes to own a farm some day and grow her own food...and maybe even write about it.