The Minister's Husband by Robert Bresciani

“I feel so marginalized! What about preachers' husbands???”

I'm relatively new to the game. My wife Amanda, is both somewhat new to me, and also new in her field. If you aren't familiar with the United Methodist system, let me clue you in. If you are, feel free to skip ahead. After a 4 year Bachelor's program, a 3 year Master's Program, and a 1 year internship, the aspiring Methodist minister is awarded an MDIV (Masters' of Divinity). My wife has completed all of this and is currently holding 2 ministerial positions: She's a resident chaplain at a hospital, and she preaches a Spanish-Language service on the Sundays that she's not working. (She manages to avoid most Sunday mornings at the hospital). The Methodist system is fairly rigorous, and she's still working her way through it all. After she's completed all of the requirements, it's entirely possible that she and I may have to move somewhere else. Our conference is fairly large, and includes many small towns as far south as Round Rock, and as far west as Balinger, and as far east as Gun Barrel City. Being itinerant, the church can literally require us to move to any little church they feel has a need.

Being a male in a role that has traditionally been mostly a female role can be a little off-putting to people, especially older ones. They don't exactly know what to make of me. When I meet someone for the first time, I try to put them at ease if possible. My favorite one-liner is “Hi! I'm Mr. Amanda!” I almost always elicit a chuckle, at the very least. I'm fortunate that all of her jobs have been in and around the Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex. I'm sure I'd get more strange looks in a more rural setting. I'm also fortunate that we're Methodist, because many women have gone before my wife and have blazed that trail.

That being said, it can be pretty strange. While Amanda is off in a meeting, I'll be helping assemble sandwiches or simply chatting up people. I'm very gregarious, so that's usually not a problem. I'm also of Italian descent, so I'm no stranger to a kitchen. But I'm also a pretty take-charge person, and it can be a little difficult to not just jump into a situation with advice and/or ideas. I try to keep in mind that in the church setting, it's not my place. She's the professional and I'm a layman. I'm a server administrator working for a multinational airline. I have a full time job that takes up quite a bit of my cognitive energy. But I'm also a fixer. I like to be able to provide solutions. I sometimes have to resist (And sometimes fail, although I'm getting better!) the temptation to not only monopolize a conversation, but also to rattle off an opinion. I'm the support staff, and she's the front line officer. This is her world. It's probably hardest for me at the more social functions of a church. Fellowship is something I understand, but I'm a fairly opinionated person, and have to watch my mouth. Anything I say can and will be used against my wife in a court of law. Being ministers' wives, I'm sure you know the feeling. Fortunately, I've been able to walk that tightrope so far. I hope to be sage enough to keep that up.

That's not to say that I don't advise her when she's writing a sermon, or a paper, or provide technical support when her computer is tormenting her. I do. She's happy to hear my thoughts. I can provide a fresh point of view to a passage that she's read over and over. I can also provide support for her. Sometimes she gets writers' block, and I talk with her, or try to give her ideas. Sometimes she asks for stories about whatever point she's trying to get across. Sometimes I can even accommodate these requests! I'm always a little intimidated when she asks me something deeply philosophical. I'm a technically minded man who has a few composition classes under his belt, and a few history classes as well... but philosophy? Theology? I mean, I've been to Sunday school and church most of my life, but I haven't put the study in that she has. The woman has a masters degree in Divinity. She can actually read the Old Testament in ancient Hebrew. She's had some of the finest minds in the country teaching her. It's hard to try and come up with something she hasn't thought of, and put a new spin on what she's going for. But I try. After all, as I said, I'm fairly opinionated and gregarious, so what's the harm? Sometimes I even come up with a really good observation! So I keep plugging!

In the end, I think that I'm doing fine because I have my own gig. It helps me to be able to let her have hers. There's a distinct possibility that I may have to quit my job in the future and put everything in both God and the UMC's hands. This isn't comfortable for me, but I'm determined to support my wife's calling. I've already figured out my plan for small town living. I'll simply be the local house-call making computer repairman, and will travel to all of the small towns in the area for a nominal fee. This will keep me in the field, while affording me enough of a diversion that I can stay sane. It would be a major upheaval in our lives, but I have a smart, beautiful wife that I trust and love. And hey! I'm pretty good at being Mr. Amanda! 

Robert & Amanda Bresciani