Cookbook Give-Away!

Blogging for Books is offering a contest here on my other blog--just go there to fill out the web form for a chance to win The B.T.C. Old Fashioned Grocery Cookbook.  One cookbook will go to one of my readers from this blog!  FREE!!

This is a beautiful hardbacked cookbook valued at $29.99 filled with photos and stories of a small grocery store/cafe in Water Valley, Mississpppi.  Dixie Grimes' recipes sound amazing!  

The contest starts TODAY and ends on August 20th at 11:59 p.m.  The winner will be drawn randomly by Blogging for Books and contacted by email.

Go there to enter today!!

A Preacher's Son by Ricky Garzon

Ricky & Kallie Garzon with their children

I can honestly only write from the perspective of a son, but still from the perspective of a PK.  The church we served in was small so my parents wore many hats.  I think the average church is around 150 - 250 people now so just imagine it being in that camp.  You often hear of the pastor’s or minister’s kids, for that fact the whole family, being in a fish bowl.  Meaning, everyone is watching.  Or maybe a better description is living life under a magnifying glass.  Everything you say, do and sometimes think is watched carefully because the Pastor’s kids are supposed to be “good” kids.  It’s almost, as Barnabas Piper, son of famed preacher John Piper says, “born with DNA that makes you good”.  Pastor’s kids are sinners.  Paul doesn’t leave us out in Romans 3:23.  

I can’t really look back and think of times I out-right rebelled against my parents.  I just remember how it was implied from the pulpit of both the church and breakfast table (of which my parents have both repented of) how God needed us to be good.  It was a pressure sometimes too great to bear.  I knew God loved me but I always felt like he was upset with me or like He didn’t really like me all that much.  There’s one time in particular I remember I had a friend who didn’t really meet my parents expectations.  (He since has completely left the church and lives a life of blatant sin, so maybe my parents knew how to pick ‘em)  My mom and I got in an argument in our living room one night about this friend.  We both tried out-shouting each other so when I saw my arguments were falling on deaf ears, I left.  Walked out.  My mom and dad both had a habit of walking around our neighborhood park before dusk.  They say it was for exercise but I think it was for their sanity.  I ran to a neighborhood friend’s house and sought temporary sanctuary.  After telling him about the match that had just happened at my house, I walked into his room and sat by his window.  As I looked out into his front yard, the sleepy sun sat behind a mother who wanted to see her son.  She sat in his front yard with her hands behind her back and tears in her eyes.  I made eye contact with her and emotions clogged my throat and sank my heart deep into the pit of my stomach.  The walk from my friend’s room to the front yard seemed short but I practiced my speech maybe ten times before reaching the porch and looking down on her.  “Can we talk?” she asked.  “I guess”, I said as I walked past her and stopped next to her so that we wouldn’t have to make eye contact.  “The thing is, people are watching us.  We have to be careful who we spend time with or people will talk.”  she said.  “So aren’t we supposed to hang out with people Jesus would have hung out with”, I said very pharisaically.  “Yes.  If you want to bring him to our house, that’s fine.” she paused.  “Just please know that people are watching everything we do.”  It seemed to be nailed on my heart that night.  People were watching.  I always knew this, it had just never struck a nerve.  

I think my mom would have handled this differently knowing what she knows now.  The spirit has freed her in so many areas held captive by the law.  If I could encourage minister’s wives in any way, it would be, do not preach law to your kids.  Preach grace.  Grace has wrecked my life, in a good way.  Everything I thought I was doing  good for God I now know Jesus already did.  The Father sees me how he sees his son.  Romans 8:1 is a solid seal of “no condemnation” the spirit has placed on my heart from the moment Jesus cried, “it is finished”.  It’s done.  No more work to be done…so now we can get to work.  One pastor says, “you want to make people mad?  Preach law.  You want to make people furious?  Preach grace”.  Grace pays the drunk who shows up five minutes before the day is done the same wage as the the one who has been working all day.  Grace messes up our hair and our plans.  

I’ll end with this story about my dad.  When I was in college I was hired as a youth associate at a large church for the summer.  I was dating a girl who went to the same church and she went to work on staff at the camp we would  head to after a few weeks.  The week crept closer and of course, I had not prepared, financially for the trip.  I called my mom the day before we were supposed to leave and asked her for money.  I lived about an hour and fifteen minutes from my hometown so the drive, even then, would have been too expensive.  “Can I meet you guys half way so I can get some money for camp?”  I inquired.  “Let me talk to your dad.”  The words I dreaded to hear.  My dad got on the phone and asked how I was.  I skipped the pleasantries and asked him for cash.  He asked me a few questions about my paycheck.  After some prying, I confessed that I had spent it, basically on reckless living.  Upon my confessions followed some “how dare you’s” and not so kind words into my dad’s listening ear.  I slammed the phone down and started in on plan B.  A few hours later I heard a knock on my door.  I opened the door and saw my parents standing there.  “Are you hungry?”  my dad asked.  “Yes”.  I replied.  “Let us take you to dinner.”  We drove into town and ate where most college kids couldn’t even afford to buy a glass of water.  Not one word was mentioned about the prior conversation on the phone.  They just asked about the camp and how my girlfriend was doing and how I was liking my ministry.  After dinner, they took me home and as we said our goodbyes my dad handed me two, crisp hundred dollar bills.  “I love you.  Have fun.”  he said.  The words hung heavy over my head as I walked into my apartment.  Not one word about what I had said.  Still to this day.  Not. One. Word.  I asked my mom about this recently and she said, “Your dad knew, in the long run, law makes the wayward run and never come back.  Grace might make the wayward run, but they always come back.”

“Well may the accuser roar of sins that I have done, I know them well and thousands more, Jehovah knoweth none.”

*Are you a preacher's kid?  How did growing up as a PK affect you?

Ricky's parents, Ricardo & Isabel Garzon

Book Review by Becky Dietz

I love to read!   So...often I will post books on this blog which have meant a lot in my life.  They may have come at a time when I needed them most or when I was ready to hear their message.  But if I remember a book or an author, that means they're a big deal to me.  

The first book I want to review is Classic Christianity by Bob George.  If you're a Kindle reader, you can download it here on Amazon.  If you like to hold a hard copy, you can also get it on Amazon or if you want a bargain, go here to Half.com.  (I've bought from this website for years!)

I bought Classic Christianity from Major Ian Thomas' book table when he came to our church in Borger, TX.  At the time, I was working through some emotional healing and had started my journey in asking God for truth in everything I did.  This book was like a dynamite explosion in my hands at that moment in my life.  The truth that Bob George teaches in this book has served me well for about 15 years.  I believe the message in it is timeless.

Bob George says his book is for bogged down, burned out Christians.  If you're doing all the right things and still feel weary, this book is for you.  He began his own Christian walk excited and in love with Jesus only to end up a few years later (after getting involved in Christian work) burned out and used up.  Bob cuts to the heart of the issues which cause so many believers to start out in a radical way only to end up going through the motions.  Bob shows you the way back to life--through Truth and the power of the Holy Spirit.

If this describes where you are, I hope you'll give this book a chance!

*What books have changed your Christian walk?

The Wait by Lindsey Dietz

In the summer of 2008, my husband had just graduated from Christ For The Nations Institute. Excited that he finally had the tools in his belt to step into the full-time ministry calling we had been seeking our entire lives together, we moved back to the Panhandle and in with my mom. We didn't think we'd be there long. After all, weren't churches lining up to interview us for full-time positions? Over half of our income from September through December was from churches who paid us to come and interview, lead worship, and meet with their staff. Two churches called us in three times. We thought we were in high demand and that it wouldn't be long before we stepped into the life we'd always dreamed of.

Those four months of interviewing, sure we would find "the church" in no time, turned into four years. The first year was the hardest of all. We affectionately refer to that time of our lives as "Year 5". 

Year 5 was awful on so many levels. On the surface, moving back in with your mom after five years of marriage and two kids is rough. We had to live with her because we were post-school and had no money. Moving back to the Panhandle was difficult too because we had made some of the best friends of our lives at school, and they weren't there anymore. If you don't know anything about CFNI, the best thing I can compare it to is a bubble. It is a spiritual bubble where you are surrounded by people who share the same calling and beliefs as you do. You live on campus, work on campus, hang out on campus. Your kids go to preschool on campus. Other than grocery shopping or eating out occasionally, you rarely leave the bubble. Moving back to the Panhandle was almost culture shock to us!

David had waited tables while he was in school, and we were glad that the same restaurant he worked at in Dallas was also in Amarillo. He had a job waiting for him as soon as we came home. Our kids were still very little, just 3 and 4 years old. I'm so glad we had them because they gave us a reason to establish a day-to-day routine. Waiting tables was supposed to be a temporary gig, something to pay the few bills we had at my mom's until a church hired us. 

We were all home together everyday until 5:00 when he would leave for work. We fell into our routine of waking up, eating breakfast together, playing outside before it got hot, having lunch, taking afternoon naps, and then seeing Daddy off to work. It wasn't too bad at first. When the first four months of being back home came and went and we still didn't have the job we wanted, discouragement and hopelessness started to set in.

I can't really explain the cycle of emotions that we went through, both together as a couple and separately. Neither of us wanted to accept that churches were not, in fact, lined up around the block to hire David. To admit that seemed like giving up or worse, failure. What was the point of going to school and all the other stuff we had done over the years if we couldn't land a job doing what we were called to do?! 

Of course, there were people praying for us and supporting us all over the place, but those prayers and support didn't mean much when we were sitting in my mom's living room, wondering if waiting tables and living off my mom's generosity was it for us.

I've gone back a few times and read journals and blog entries from Year 5. I tried so hard to be strong and spiritual, but really I was so embarrassed. It didn't matter how much I knew about Jesus, how many Scriptures on His provision I memorized, how many times I read Isaiah 40:30-31, how often people told me they were praying for us. I wanted it to matter, but it didn't. I was ashamed that I had to live with my mom again. I was ashamed that my husband waited tables for a living. I was embarrassed that everyone else's preschoolers were at Mother's Day Out, but we couldn't afford it. I was embarrassed that we had one car and that we relied on hand-me-downs for our kids' clothes. 

Our marriage started getting very shake-y. David lost all sense of who he was. We both began to question if he had even been called into the ministry. Night after night he waited tables. There wasn't enough money coming in from that--remember the recession in 2008-2009?--so I went to work part-time at a doctor's office. It was hard enough that David's dreams of ministry weren't fulfilled. Going back to work meant my dreams of staying at home full-time with my kids weren't happening either. 

We argued and nit-picked at each other all the time. I was controlling. He was unmotivated. I am a fixer and a doer, and I wanted to fix him and our circumstances, and when I couldn't do anything, I became more controlling. I would yell; he wouldn't say anything. We quit praying together, quit reading our Bibles. We quit talking about "the calling", and we stopped looking for ministry jobs. I don't think we could have admitted it then, but we'll both readily tell you now that we were mad at God and probably throwing a hissy fit because we weren't getting our way.

After we had lived at my mom's for almost a year, David received a phone call from a local pastor who was planting a church in downtown Amarillo. They needed a worship leader and wanted to know if David would be willing to lead worship on Sunday mornings without pay. I'm glad David told that pastor that he needed to think about it, because he wanted to tell the guy a big, fat NO over the phone.

We talked about it. I was excited. Someone finally found us! This was our chance! David was the exact opposite. He wasn't the least bit interested. I wish I could say that I took the position of a gentle and quiet woman who is pleasing to the Lord, but I didn't. I believe, to this day, that my words came from the Lord, but the execution of what I told my husband lacked grace and love. 

"If you're called to lead worship, you'll do it for free." Those were my words to him. I'm sure they stung his heart and his pride. 

In hindsight, I know that the main reason he wanted to be paid was because we were barely making ends meet and every little bit counted. He's always been a good, dependable bread winner for our family, and even an extra $100 a month would have helped so much. In the back of his mind though, he was also thinking, "I've been to school. This is my calling. I'm a dang good worship leader. I deserve a little something to compensate me for my time."

We argued back and forth about it for a week. Ultimately, he gave in (probably to shut me up) and decided that he would give this gig a try. The Lord gave him a few talents, and I am so proud that my husband was faithful. Week after week, he showed up and gave it his best. It was just him and his guitar--no band, no fancy sound system, nothing. The people weren't worshippers, but David worshipped in spite of that. Every 3-4 months the church would give us a small check, always saying David was worth more but that was all they could bless us with. We made new friends, a few of which are still part of our lives.

We later realized that began a healing in our hearts. Was it the ultimate full-time worship pastor position we wanted? Heck no. Was it glorified in any way? Not even a little. But it was enough to kindle the last bit of hope we had inside of us that maybe, just maybe, we didn't miss God in our calling after all.

The rest of the story is that God moved in our situation after time. We eventually moved out of my mom's house, got an apartment, and a few months later, bought a home. David eventually found a full-time job at a local non-profit, but he did keep waiting tables for another couple of years. When the little church plant didn't make it, we started attending another, larger church, and God worked on our hearts and our marriage even more. We started homeschooling, and little by little, our hearts were knit back together again.

We learned a lot during Year 5 that I wasn't really able to articulate until much later.

First, we learned how amazing our parents really are. They never gave up on us, never made us feel badly or ashamed of our situation, always spoke with great wisdom and understanding, never quit praying, never stopped encouraging, and were a great help to us in so many ways. I used to roll my eyes when my mom would tell me that God had a plan or when my mother-in-law would say that what God had for us was just around the corner. 

Second, the spirit of control had a stronghold in my life. There are a lot of things I would do and say differently if I could re-live this time in our lives. God did a work in my heart later and helped me surrender my need for control. After I did that, David blossomed and continues to blossom. Things I had nagged him about for years he just started doing without me saying anything. I firmly believe it's because I was stifling him as a person with that spirit of control. When that spirit left, there was growth and change in us both that had never been able to take root before. My husband is a radically different man now, and I know it's because God was so good to gently expose the stronghold of control in my life and prune it out so real growth could happen.

Finally, even though I didn't say it with a lot of grace and understanding, this was true for us: If you're called to do it, you'll do it for free. We had to learn the hard way that ministry, true ministry, is how you meet needs and love people when there's absolutely nothing in it for you. When there's no paycheck, no title, no fancy office, no one offering to take you out for lunch. When you're a nobody to everybody but God. I really believe we would have had another (long, exhausting) trip around the proverbial mountain if David had said no and walked away from the opportunity to fulfill his calling without compensation. (And I'm glad that God used my nagging in this one instance! HA!) 

Four years and 20 days after he graduated from CFNI, David was hired as a full-time worship pastor. If you had told me on the day he graduated that we would wait four years for the right job and church to come along, I would have laughed at  you. Now, although those four years (especially the first of the four) were trying, I'm thankful things worked out the way they did. We weren't mature enough in 2008 to take on the ministry that God entrusted us with in 2012. Those four years worked out so much in our character. We would have looked like idiots if we had gotten a full-time position in 2008!

Becky asked me a question: Did you find purpose in the wait?

My answer might surprise you... No, I didn't. In hindsight, I have found purpose in what I went through in my own heart and mind and what my marriage endured. But at the time, no, I didn't find purpose. I also wasn't looking for it. A lot of church-y people would probably frown on that, but I think it's ok. We were ticked off at God. We didn't understand what we were going through would ultimately be for our benefit. God can take (and did take) our anger. Even when I wasn't praying or in the Word or treating my husband very nicely, His love and purpose for me never changed. In the thick of it, I may not have found purpose. But it's what has happened since this experience that has been the true purpose. It's the way I relinquished control in my marriage and allowed my husband to lead. It's the decisions that we've made to minister to people when no one else knew about it. Purpose was found when we finally took that full-time, paid position and actually had some wisdom to impart to others. No, I didn't find purpose then; but I do NOW. I am still using the lessons I learned in the months and years following that "Year 5", and I'm grateful for the experiences that have given me the wisdom to make better choices, speak to people more gracefully, and trust God even when I have no clue what He's doing.

If you're in a waiting period right now, I want to encourage you to just know that it won't last forever. You can roll your eyes at me if you want...I promise I understand. You're going to grow so much in wisdom and character that six months or a year or two from now, you won't even recognize the wiser person staring back at you in the mirror. I still don't recognize her sometimes. 

What does waiting on God look and feel like to you?

*Lindsey Dietz is a full-time mom and homeschool teacher to her two beautiful children.

Her husband, David, recently took a position as Network Administrator at Grace Community Church & School in Tyler, TX.  Lindsey is a gifted writer and former editor of CFN Magazine, The Voice.  She loves to cook with organic foods, has studied nutrition, and has embraced natural living.  She hopes to own a farm some day and grow her own food...and maybe even write about it.

Saving Sunday by Becky Dietz

Your husband leaves before you even hit the shower.  He heads to the church...and leaves you with all four children to get ready, yourself to get ready, two diaper bags to load, breakfast to cook so you can feed all four darlings, lunch to get into the oven, Bibles to gather, fighting clothes over four heads, finding four pairs of shoes and putting them on, seat belts to buckle, arguing children, crying babies and one mom about to lose her mind only to unload four children, carry two diaper bags into a church, yelling at three children to stay with you, distributing Bibles...all while smiling between clenched teeth at sweet old ladies in the church.  Sunday School becomes the weekly respite for you, but you end up there by yourself while your husband tends to duties in the church.  You're alone.  Again.  You move into the sanctuary between two wriggling children, trying to keep them corralled and entertained during the service...alone...because your husband is on stage...all while feeling the disapproval of those sitting closest to you.

Sound familiar?  I've been there.  Sunday ain't no picnic even for the toughest of pastor's wives.  You may never feel more alone.  It can even make you want to feign illness to stay home and avoid the whole scenario.  (I may have done that once or twice...)  You love Jesus but Sundays are just overwhelming.  You might even begin wondering how valid the whole New Testament church thing really is.

It's so easy to feel like a single mom on Sundays.  It's even easy to begin resenting your husband because he gets to waltz out that door and leave you to one of the hardest tasks on earth.

How to cope?  I hope this short list will help you meet Sundays head-on once again:

1. Pray.  I know this may sound simplistic, but so often we forget to do the most important thing.  God cares about you.  He knows it's hard.  He wants to make your church-going successful.  And if you learn anything from all this--pray for those truly single moms!
2. Check your heart.  Don't let anger take root and turn into bitterness.  Remember...your children will pick up your attitude about church and their dad.  Keep your heart pliable in God's hands.
3. Get organized.  Do as much as you possibly can on Saturday...and involve dad.  Lay out clothes and shoes.  Prepare a simple breakfast ahead of time.  Put lunch in a crockpot and have it ready to go.  Load the diaper bags.
4. Change pews.  If you feel the disapproval of those around you during a service, move to a family-friendly area.  Change as often as needed.  
5. Remember that your children are children.  This is just a short season.  I know it doesn't feel like it at times, but you're going to blink and those babies are going to be self-sufficient little people who can put their own shoes on.  
6. Please God, not people.  I had a really hard time with this.  I wanted people to like me and I wanted to be seen as a good mom.  It's such a hard line to balance being a pastor's family and "having your children under control" (I Timothy 3:4) and remembering you're responsible to God alone.  There were too many times I felt responsible to people around me.  God is so much easier to please---and He's full of grace!
7. Make time for yourself.  I found that if I took some time during the week for me, I could face Sundays with a much better attitude.  Andy & I made an agreement that he would watch the kids while I took some time for myself.  It might be grocery shopping in the evening--alone (which was a real treat for me!).  Or I often went for a Coke with friends on a Saturday night and we would laugh our heads off.  I might just take a drive out into the country alone and spend time with God and my own thoughts.  But it was "me" time.  And it helped. 
8. Don't assume.  I'm sure there were times I assumed people were judging me when they may have been sympathizing with a grimacing remembrance of their own days with small children. 
9. Allow your children some freedom.  They practically live at the church.  Give them some "ownership" of the building.  I'm not saying they need to run wild, but they need to be able to meet their dad on stage after the service, walk into a classroom alone, go ahead of you into dad's office when you know he's available.  Don't always be telling them "no."  Give them some "yes's."
10. Use those teenagers who love your children for your benefit.  Ask them to take one of your kids to his class.  Invite them to sit with you and help you with your kids during the service.  They really do love your kids.  And my kids grew up loving the teenagers of the church.   

Let's save Sunday!  Change your perspective.  Sunday may not be the day your family worships God best.  Realize it's the hardest work day of your week and make another day the time you set aside to worship God as a family.  Have a crazy music/dance night with your kids and read through The Jesus Storybook Bible together as a family.   Ask God for creative ideas.  Shake it up...change it up!  Do that...and you may just save Sunday by going to church with a whole new attitude.

**What are some ways you've saved Sunday?**

The Minister's Husband by Robert Bresciani

“I feel so marginalized! What about preachers' husbands???”

I'm relatively new to the game. My wife Amanda, is both somewhat new to me, and also new in her field. If you aren't familiar with the United Methodist system, let me clue you in. If you are, feel free to skip ahead. After a 4 year Bachelor's program, a 3 year Master's Program, and a 1 year internship, the aspiring Methodist minister is awarded an MDIV (Masters' of Divinity). My wife has completed all of this and is currently holding 2 ministerial positions: She's a resident chaplain at a hospital, and she preaches a Spanish-Language service on the Sundays that she's not working. (She manages to avoid most Sunday mornings at the hospital). The Methodist system is fairly rigorous, and she's still working her way through it all. After she's completed all of the requirements, it's entirely possible that she and I may have to move somewhere else. Our conference is fairly large, and includes many small towns as far south as Round Rock, and as far west as Balinger, and as far east as Gun Barrel City. Being itinerant, the church can literally require us to move to any little church they feel has a need.

Being a male in a role that has traditionally been mostly a female role can be a little off-putting to people, especially older ones. They don't exactly know what to make of me. When I meet someone for the first time, I try to put them at ease if possible. My favorite one-liner is “Hi! I'm Mr. Amanda!” I almost always elicit a chuckle, at the very least. I'm fortunate that all of her jobs have been in and around the Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex. I'm sure I'd get more strange looks in a more rural setting. I'm also fortunate that we're Methodist, because many women have gone before my wife and have blazed that trail.

That being said, it can be pretty strange. While Amanda is off in a meeting, I'll be helping assemble sandwiches or simply chatting up people. I'm very gregarious, so that's usually not a problem. I'm also of Italian descent, so I'm no stranger to a kitchen. But I'm also a pretty take-charge person, and it can be a little difficult to not just jump into a situation with advice and/or ideas. I try to keep in mind that in the church setting, it's not my place. She's the professional and I'm a layman. I'm a server administrator working for a multinational airline. I have a full time job that takes up quite a bit of my cognitive energy. But I'm also a fixer. I like to be able to provide solutions. I sometimes have to resist (And sometimes fail, although I'm getting better!) the temptation to not only monopolize a conversation, but also to rattle off an opinion. I'm the support staff, and she's the front line officer. This is her world. It's probably hardest for me at the more social functions of a church. Fellowship is something I understand, but I'm a fairly opinionated person, and have to watch my mouth. Anything I say can and will be used against my wife in a court of law. Being ministers' wives, I'm sure you know the feeling. Fortunately, I've been able to walk that tightrope so far. I hope to be sage enough to keep that up.

That's not to say that I don't advise her when she's writing a sermon, or a paper, or provide technical support when her computer is tormenting her. I do. She's happy to hear my thoughts. I can provide a fresh point of view to a passage that she's read over and over. I can also provide support for her. Sometimes she gets writers' block, and I talk with her, or try to give her ideas. Sometimes she asks for stories about whatever point she's trying to get across. Sometimes I can even accommodate these requests! I'm always a little intimidated when she asks me something deeply philosophical. I'm a technically minded man who has a few composition classes under his belt, and a few history classes as well... but philosophy? Theology? I mean, I've been to Sunday school and church most of my life, but I haven't put the study in that she has. The woman has a masters degree in Divinity. She can actually read the Old Testament in ancient Hebrew. She's had some of the finest minds in the country teaching her. It's hard to try and come up with something she hasn't thought of, and put a new spin on what she's going for. But I try. After all, as I said, I'm fairly opinionated and gregarious, so what's the harm? Sometimes I even come up with a really good observation! So I keep plugging!

In the end, I think that I'm doing fine because I have my own gig. It helps me to be able to let her have hers. There's a distinct possibility that I may have to quit my job in the future and put everything in both God and the UMC's hands. This isn't comfortable for me, but I'm determined to support my wife's calling. I've already figured out my plan for small town living. I'll simply be the local house-call making computer repairman, and will travel to all of the small towns in the area for a nominal fee. This will keep me in the field, while affording me enough of a diversion that I can stay sane. It would be a major upheaval in our lives, but I have a smart, beautiful wife that I trust and love. And hey! I'm pretty good at being Mr. Amanda! 

Robert & Amanda Bresciani

A Church's Gift & Personality by Becky Dietz

Andy & I have discovered that each church has it's own gift and personality.  We've served in churches which have had the gifts of administration, teaching, giving, and serving.  It's so helpful to identify your church's gift to eliminate expectations and frustrations...or at least some of them.  Once we understood why the church with the gift of administration was so O.C.D., it made it easier to live with.  Well...at least a little easier to understand!  Ok...I'll just have to be honest and admit that was a hard church to serve.  It was full of corporate-types who loved to control things--it was as if that body of believers just drew them in.  The church with the gift of teaching had a series of senior pastors who were great expository teachers.  Those pastors had invested in the men of the church and developed many of them who were deep Bible teachers and could fill the pulpit any time on short notice.  Giving was so much easier to recognize in our third church---those people knew how to give!  We were so blessed with people giving to us as a family, helping with mission trips we took, and reaching deep into pockets when presented with a need.  The church we serve in today has the gift of serving.  It's a small church and when we got here it was hard to understand how it was organized--or if it was organized.  But then it happened.  Event after event, people would just show up exactly on time, pitch in, and get the job done--quickly and completely.  In fact, my head was spinning the first few times it happened!  Of course, within each church, you'll find people with all of the gifts.  But it's so interesting that we've found there to be an overriding gift which governs each church.

I once went to a ladies' conference in a charismatic church and as I enjoyed the enthusiastic worship, it hit me!  I believe each denomination can also be described by a temperament or personality.  I'm old-school with personalities, so I'll characterize them as I know them:

Choleric--dominant, leader, loves organization
Sanguine--outgoing, happy, sociable
Melancholy--analytical, holds things close to the chest, artistic
Phlegmatic--laid back, peaceful, not easily upset, excited or angered

I began to laugh as I realized I could pretty easily put denominations in these categories.  It wouldn't be fair to say each church of every denomination would fit in these slots exactly, but see if you think I'm close.

Choleric--Baptists, Methodists
Sanguine--Charismatics, New Church Plants
Melancholy--Lutheran, Episcopal, Anglican
Phlegmatic--Bible Churches, Non-Denominational

It's so important to understand and know those we serve.  If we go to a church and have no discernment of who that church is, we may be in a constant tug-of-war, demanding the other side conform to us.  At least if we go in with a little more awareness, we have a better chance of working together in peace and harmony.

I'd love to know if you can identify the gift and personality of the church you're in...or if you already knew!

*Becky Dietz is the wife of Andy Dietz, pastor of First Baptist Church in Groom, TX.  Andy has also served as Youth Pastor and Missions & Evangelism Pastor in other churches.  Becky's love is teaching women and has been the guest speaker at women's conferences and retreats.

Sherryl Stone and Pastor's Wife's Killers

Charles & Sherryl Stone

Meet Sherryl Stone.  Andy & I were on staff with Charles & Sherryl Stone in the late 80's in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma.  Sherryl & I met with the other staff wives each week for a time of fellowship, support and prayer.  (I highly recommend this to you if you have multiple staff members!)  There were things Sherryl shared with us during those days which I've never forgotten.

Sherryl's husband, Charles, has written several books, but in his book, Five Ministry Killers and How to Defeat Them, he and Sherryl collaborated on the final chapter called, A Pastor's Wife's Killers.  Interestingly, Sherryl posted this on Facebook the day I started this blog.  I knew it was the first thing I'd have to share.  Here's what Sherryl believes can suck the life out of a pastor's wife--with a few suggestions on how to combat them.

1. Deep loneliness.
   • This issue hit home after we both graduated from seminary and I took my first church. The people were nice but Sherryl just couldn’t seem to click with them. Although Sherryl is very outgoing, some people seemed to distance themselves from her and building friends became difficult. It seemed that people didn’t think she needed friends. These experiences helped Sherryl realize that many pastors’ wives do face a loneliness void, especially when they come to a new church setting. Over time Sherryl did find safe friends, but the process seemed agonizingly slow.
2. Inescapable vulnerability with others. (I quote Sherryl’s thoughts here.)
   • Pastors’ wives face a unique kind of vulnerability. By default, the church where her husband serves often becomes the center of her life in several areas. It’s her main opportunity for service, the place to find some of her closest relationships, the source of her family’s primary means of financial support, and her home away from home. Unfortunately, it also becomes the source of the greatest criticism. Unlike many women who find volunteer opportunities, friendships, and income through other various venues, a pastor’s wife often finds all three wrapped up in the same place: the church.
   • This can become an example of the proverbial “eggs all in one basket.” The history of the word pastor illustrates this idea. The Old English term for person, “parson,” became commonly used to describe a pastor, because the man and the vocation were so integrated that they’d become synonymous. The same holds true for a pastor’s wife. (Kindle Locations 1644-1649, 5 Ministry Killers, Bethany House, 2010).
3. Living in a fishbowl world. (again, her insights)
   • When I say that a fishbowl experience can become a ministry killer for a pastor’s wife, I mean this: We not only must face the normal and painful stuff life throws at us, but we must do it as the church looks on.
   • Fortunately, what created anxiety in the fishbowl also challenged me to deepen my walk with Christ. Knowing that others watched my response to crises spurred me to move forward in my faith rather than to wallow in self-pity. Had I not been in the fishbowl, I’m not sure I would have relied as much on His grace.
   • As I reflect on Jesus’ life, I realize He revealed the Father’s heart to us even when He lived in a fishbowl. The people expected Him to be one kind of Messiah, but He didn't meet their expectations. Instead, He met His Father’s. He lived to please God, not others.
   • This understanding freed me. Although I can only reflect His image dimly, even in the fishbowl I want to mirror His character as clearly as possible. When I try to keep my eyes on the Lord to seek His approval, I’m more at peace and free to be me when I deal with others’ expectations. As a pastor’s wife I must remind myself that one day I will stand before Him to give an account of my life. Then the only thing that will matter is that my life reflected Him well.  (Kindle Locations 1680-1688).
4. Managing unrealistic and unfair expectations.
   • The spoken and unspoken expectations churches place on pastors’ wives landed on my list because every church has them. Most churches don’t officially say they expect certain things from pastors’ wives. However, they’re as pervasive as dust bunnies and differ from what they expect from other women in the church. (Kindle Locations 1690-1692).
   • Some pastor’s wives simply give up when they can’t meet other’s expectations. They withdraw and become sullen. Others yield to despair, helplessness, and hopelessness. Others outright rebel and turn to behavior that at a conscious or subconscious level hope will force their husbands to leave the church or even leave the ministry. Most pastor’s wives don’t makes such devastating choices, but the expectations killer still exists. Ideally we wives should respond with grace and dignity to them. Through prayer, safe friends, and leaning into the Lord, we can prevail.
5. Having little or no voice in response to church decisions/church critics. (final thoughts from Sherryl)
   • This issue concerns two groups: church boards and your critics. Boards where we’ve served have seldom asked for my thoughts on decisions. I recognize that because I don’t serve on those boards they aren’t bound to ask me what I think. And most decisions have had little direct bearing on our family or me. However, when a decision does impact our family, as a pastor’s wife I’m not able to voice concerns for fear that such disapproval could affect your job or how others may perceive you.
   • As for critics, we’ve often felt the brunt of unfounded criticism through an e-mail, a call, or a conversation. It hurts, especially when it comes from someone we’ve thought safe.
   • It’s easy for a pastor’s wife to take offense. Since these criticisms aren’t directed toward me, Matthew 18 instructs me not to bring them up; rather, you’re the one who is to approach the critic. But because I’m your wife, when you get criticized, I feel criticized as well. To add insult to injury, I’m expected to be gracious when I come in contact with these people. This makes me feel bound and gagged.
   • I remember years ago when a couple came to talk to you. The wife had been hurt because she believed you ignored her by not speaking to her one Sunday morning. Even though you explained that your oversight was inadvertent and that you’d be more sensitive next time, they left the church a few months later. I struggle with those situations because I feel I have no voice. I feel powerless. I want to express my disappointment with such people and help them get perspective, but if they’ve already decided to leave, it profits little. (Kindle Locations 1712-1722).

About Sherryl:  I’ve been a pastor’s wife for 32 years and mom to three kids, Heather, Josh, and Tiffany. I love encouraging pastors’ wives through speaking and coaching and have spoken nationally and internationally to encourage, equip, and train pastors’ wives and other ministry leaders. A deep passion to help people take their next steps toward God runs deep in my heart.

I know what it’s like being a wife, mother, pastor’s wife, and staff member. We’ve dealt with many church and family challenges including Tiffany’s brain tumor and chronic illnesses, as well as Heather’s intense teenage rebellion. I’ve probably walked in your shoes.

 *Books by Charles you'll want to check out:

Daughters Gone Wild, Dads Gone Crazy--coauthored with his daughter, Heather

People Pleasing Pastors; Avoiding the Pitfalls of Approval-Motivated Leadership

Five Ministry Killers and How to Defeat Them

WELCOME!!

I'm so excited to begin something new...thank you for joining me!  I've already been hard at work lining up some encouragement for all of us.  As I sat and wrote down names of pastor's wives I knew whom I could ask to contribute to this blog, I had two full sheets of names.  You've hit the mother lode of possibilities for encouragement!  There are so many women around me who have sailed the seas of ministry successfully whose lights are shining.  I believe they will be a lighthouse so your own adventure is successful.

You may have married a minister...or you may be like me and your husband didn't join the staff of a church until you'd been married several years.  It can be overwhelming to meet new challenges for which you weren't even prepared.  I've never been to a pastor's wives school.  Heck!  My husband didn't even go to seminary!  But I was mentored by some very capable pastor's wives.  And I want to pass it on.

Do I have all the answers?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!   But I have learned a few things along the way and God continues to teach me daily.  But you won't just be hearing from me.  I'm only one kind of pastor's wife.  I want you to hear from a beautiful mix of women--different denominations, different cultures, races, temperaments and giftings--whose husbands have different positions in the church.  I want you to hear from pastor's kids who've survived being a pastor's kid.  I want you to hear from women who are on the staff of a church.  And I want to hear from YOU!  So be sure and leave comments.   I want to know what your needs are so they are addressed.

Again...WELCOME!!  

I believe God wants to bless you beyond your wildest imaginations!!

"Therefore encourage (admonish, exhort) one another and edify 

(strengthen and build up) one another, just as you are doing."

I Thessalonians 5:11

For Pastor's Wives

This blog was born out of a burden for the pastor's wives who are struggling, discouraged or just need someone to talk to.  I decided to start a private blog where we can share with one another and hopefully help and encourage one another.  Because it's a private blog, you will have to send me the google or blogger email addresses of your friends who are pastor's wives who want to be admitted to the blog.  I will be posting lots of encouragement but we'll also have guest posts.  And we'll all help one another as we reply to the posts.

So You're a Pastor's Wife?  God bless you!!  

He is crazy about you!