Here's the problem I've had with spiritual bullies. I couldn't sort out in my mind how to treat them. I'd recognize their bullying for what it was, but then I'd reason that they were believers and brothers or sisters in Christ. They'd push their weight around to make sure they got their way, but I'd naively contend they had the good of the church as the bottom line. It was just hard to wrap my mind around a Christian...in a church...being a bully.
Here's the truth. A spiritual bully is no different than a bully on the playground. They're trying to dominate the system. They want control of everyone so they can have their own way. They intimidate. They probably use scripture to prove their point which can make it even more confusing to the church. They want to control...and usually it's in the area of finances. But it may be in any area of leadership. I've seen bullies in the church kitchen and nursery! They don't believe that God is in control. They may give lip service to that notion, but they don't really believe it. And they will remain in control as long as the church will let them. Most of them have had control for a very long time because no one is willing to stand up to them. The godly people don't want to "hurt the church" by confronting a bully.
Here's more truth. It's hurting the church to allow a spiritual bully to continue his bullying ways. The bully in the church kitchen? She was in control when my husband was a youth minister. We fed about 300 high school students once a week during school lunch at our church. Andy would continually ask her to cook more food because we would run out of food and the kids at the end of the line wouldn't have time to go somewhere else to eat. His budget provided for the food and he was in control of his budget. She refused. She thought the kids were wasting the food and she didn't want food left over. It became a major contention because Andy confronted her each week. To add insult to injury, she began coming to where I was serving in the food line and loudly whisper to me that my husband was wasteful, a bad manager of things, and allowed the kids too much freedom. At first, I ignored her because I didn't know how to handle it. (Bullies rely on you freezing and not knowing how to respond. Their goal is to intimidate you into submission.) But after two or three weeks of the whispering, something rose up in me! After everyone left one day, I confronted her. I told her to never come to me again with a word against my husband and if she had a problem with him...according to Matthew 18, she was supposed to go to him!! She began yelling at me and I stood my ground. I answered everything she threw at me (I'm sure my voice rose) and refused to be intimidated by her.
Here's what I've experienced. Every time Andy or I have confronted a spiritual bully, they are shaken. They've had control for so long and have never expected to be uprooted from being "King of the Hill," that they don't know how to respond. We've had confrontations with several key leaders in our churches. It's hard to do!! It takes lots of prayer, but in our cases, it's also just taken getting a belly-full of the bullying and really caring about the rest of the church. After confrontations, we've had people leave the church or quietly step down from positions and eventually change their hearts. And the kitchen lady? She became one of my sweetest friends and one of Andy's biggest supporters after her heart changed. The key is to love the bully enough to confront them. Their behavior is hurting them, their relationships, and the church. You have to want to do it for their good and the good of the church. I can't promise confronting a bully always ends well. You may still be thrown out of their church. But I believe you'll be able to sleep well at night knowing you did what was right.
May I just recommend a couple of books for you to read?
An excellent, excellent book!
and...
