When is it time to go?

I believe an issue all pastors and their wives struggle with is...when is it time to leave your church?  How do you know?

It's becoming almost unheard of to stay in the same church for more than 10 years.  Heck!  If you stay more than 4 years, you've had a longer-than-average stay.  Lifeway Research says an average stay for a pastor is 3.6 years.  At one church we went to as a youth minister, they had already had 7 youth pastors in 5 years when we got there.  To say there were troubles in that church is an understatement.  I know of a young pastor who was in his new church for 3 months when he got a note on his door from a disgruntled church member demanding his departure.  (The church member was losing his sole control of the church's finances--and wasn't only doing unethical things, but illegal things.)  There are more and more problems in the church and sometimes it takes resolve and a strong backbone to stay.  1500 pastors a month are leaving their churches.  So...how do you know when it's time to leave?

PRAYER
Of course, the place to start is with prayer.  You've probably reached a place of conflict, boredom, or lack of vision if you're asking the question.  Take your questions to God and ask Him...and then listen.  I'd add to prayer: fast.  Do without food, social media, or whatever has your attention and spend that time with God.  Get serious about knowing God's plan for your life.

AGREEMENT
You and your husband will have to be in agreement.  Usually one of you reaches the place of "knowing" before the other.  But don't act on it until you're in agreement that it's time to go.  You'll know it's time when you both come to the same place of perfect peace about it.  Of course, you'll both need to have lots of conversation and need to keep an open mind and heart.  Pray together and listen for God's direction together.

COUNSEL
Hopefully, you have people in your lives who can give you wise counsel--people you can be totally honest with and give the facts of your situation to without fear of recrimination.  And hopefully, those people can be totally objective and not be swayed by your emotions or your situation.

WAIT
Give God time to work.  You may just need a new vision.  Or you may need someone to come alongside you to help carry your load.  Or God may want to change some people around you.  Don't overreact and jump out of the frying pan--you may land in the fire!  I can almost guarantee this--God is looking to change you.  Trust me on this one...I'm speaking from experience.

TAKE A STEP
This may sound contrary to the above statement.  But there are some of us who get really comfortable in a situation and become afraid to make a move.  Or we are so loyal to our church, we're determined to go down with a sinking ship.  If either of these things are going on, it may be time to take a step and see if you're following God.

IF NO ONE IS FOLLOWING
If the people in your church are no longer following your ministry, your effectiveness is probably over in that situation.  It may be that they are being disobedient or it may be that you've already quit.  At any rate, if no one is supporting your ministry, it's probably time to move on.

IF YOU'RE THERE FOR A PAYCHECK
If you've lost your love, your passion, and your heart for this church and are only there because you get a substantial paycheck...it's time to go.  This will take some examination and some honesty.  But if the answer to this question comes quickly, you already know.

IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES
I wish I could say there was no such thing in the Church...but it takes two sides to work something out.  And sometimes two sides just aren't willing.  This may come after lots of talking, many private and not-so-private meetings, trying to work through issues, etc., etc.  You may have even called in a mediator...but nothing has worked.  I'd encourage you not to take it personally.  It may be that you're not the person God is going to use to bring that particular church to truth.

RELEASE
God may give you a big sense of release from your church.  This release will probably come after you've done many of the steps above.  I was very unhappy in one of our churches and begged God for release.  Of course, that release didn't come right away.  God wanted to teach me some things first.  And my husband & I were in complete agreement when the release finally came.  In another church, we had worked through lots of conflict but it became obvious we weren't going to bring resolution to the situation.  Our effectiveness was over.  The release was almost palpable.  We knew God was telling us it was time to go.

I think my most heartfelt advice would be this:  STAY AS LONG AS YOU CAN!  The Church is hurting.  She's been abused, taken advantage of, and hurt.  Trust is in short supply.  It's time we had pastors and wives who are committed to changing that.  The Bride of Christ needs to be loved, encouraged, and told she's beautiful.  She needs to see Christ in us.  She needs to see stick-to-it-iveness.  She needs to be hugged with grace and mercy.  She needs to see that we are willing to talk and work out our problems...and not be so quick to leave.  So instead of asking God when we can leave, maybe it's time we asked, "Do we have to?"  It's only in the hearing that we know.

Breathe by Becky Dietz

breathe

brēT͟H/

verb

1. take air into the lungs and then expel it, especially as a regular physiological process.

   "she was wheezing as she breathed"

   synonyms:

   inhale and exhale, respire, draw breath; More

   • be or seem to be alive because of this.

     "at least I'm still breathing"

     synonyms:

     be alive, be living, live "at least I'm still breathing"

   • literary

     (of wind) blow softly.

   
   

When is the last time you took notice of yourself breathing?  Do it.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Breathe in deeply.  Exhale loudly.  It's cleansing.  It's life.  

But there are times when it seems there's no breath left in you.  You may be like Solomon who was surrounded by false witnesses--who were breathing lies.  Lies that contain the heat of hell which sucks the very life out of a room.

Take heart!  God, who breathed the very first breath of life into man, still breathes into us today.  He breathes His Spirit into us.  His Spirit is life.  The Word is God-breathed.  As you take in the Word of God, you are taking in His very breath.  The Word is Jesus and He is life.

Breathe.  

Solutions by Becky Dietz

We are people of solutions....or we should be.  Whenever the world--or the Enemy--presents a problem, we should be presenting a solution.  We have got to remember that Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy but God has come to give abundant life!  So whenever we see disunity, anger, robbery, abandonment, sadness, unholiness, divorce...we need to be ready with solutions.

I know it sounds simplistic when so many of the issues of our world are vastly complex.  But the longer I live, the simpler it gets.  Love God, love people.  Pray.  Hear God.  Walk in faith.

Fear of the complexity of any situation can immobilize us.  What can we do?  We're only one person.  You are one person who's trusting in an all-powerful God!  And He has the solutions for all mankind.  And He may just have a one-man task for little ol' you.

What if you asked and God gave you the solution to racism?  Don't you think you'd be excited and begin sharing it?  What if it spread like wildfire?

Ask...and keep on asking.

Be Yourself by Becky Dietz

Pastor's wife, the biggest piece of advice I can offer you as a pastor's wife is to be yourself.  God created you uniquely for His own purposes and you can only fulfill that purpose by being who He created you to be.  It's so easy as a pastor's wife to get caught up in pretense because of people's expectations of you.  It's easy to slip into a super-spiritual mode because everyone thinks you should be.  Or to be the women's ministry queen because it's thrust upon you.  But the greatest gift you can give your church is to just be YOU.  Now that doesn't mean you won't be stretched or be forced to do some ministries which are not your calling--because God sees to it that you're stretched and He's  called you to serve.  But purpose in your heart that there won't be any pretense.

If you're in a mega church, it may be that you just feel like you get lost.  There's a pastor for every ministry and you can't figure out how to plug in...much less, how to make friends.  If you're in a very small church, you may feel overworked because it takes everyone to make every ministry work.  And if you're in a middle-sized church, they may be watching you a little more closely to see if you're going to be the outgoing wife they can put on their pedestal. Interestingly, we've been in all three sizes.

God blessed me with some great friends in each of our churches.  I gravitated towards people who allowed me to be myself and with whom I could be totally honest.  But as I talked to a dear friend last night, she told me, "That's a two-way street."  We, as pastor's wives, have to be willing to allow others to be themselves with no judgment.  It's a give-and-take.  If we want to be ourselves, we have to allow others to be themselves.  We have to receive one another just like God created us.  That's not to say that we can all just happily live in the flesh at all times.  But realistically, we're all going to make mistakes.  We're going to hurt one another.  It's allowing for those mistakes while encouraging one another to walk closer to God.

We can't be a pastor's wife with real, honest, open relationships if we're pretending to be someone we're not and remaining aloof.  We've got to be willing to be real.  I'm actually a bit of a rebel when it comes to this--in a good way, I hope.  I refuse to be put in a mold.  Churches of any size have expectations when it comes to their pastor's wife.  I quickly try to let my new church know that I'm probably not going to fit in their mold.  I get my hands dirty, I laugh loudly, I love deeply.  But I also hate planning showers, planning pretty women's functions, or organizing VBS.  I may do it, but it's not my thing and people will quickly find out I drag my feet a bit when I'm doing something I don't enjoy.   But I also don't expect them to do more than their share or to do things they don't enjoy consistently.  I wear pants, jeans, shorts, and capris much more often than I wear dresses or skirts.    As Andy & I made a hospital visit this week after a funeral (and I was dressed up more than usual), I said, "I probably should dress like this more often when we make hospital visits."  We laughed...because we both knew I probably wouldn't.  I proved us to be correct the next day when we made another hospital visit.  But just because I don't like to dress up or plan VBS doesn't mean you don't!  But that's just it...be true to who you are!

Take time to evaluate where you are.  Are you doing things you hate doing?  Why are you doing it?  Is it to share a load that needs to be shared....or are you trying to gain people's favor?  Do you get your hands dirty?  If not, are you trying to perpetuate the model of a pastor's wife on a pedestal?  In everything you do, who are you trying to please?  God...or man?  If it's not God, you need to stop and allow Him to adjust things.  Don't be afraid to change your course or yourself.
Purpose to be real.  
Being real doesn't mean you have to be harsh.  Being real is saying, "I'm here to fulfill the purpose for which God has called me.  I want to please Him with all of my heart.  Let's do this thing called 'church' together!"

Tilling the Soil by Becky Dietz

“And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.”  Genesis 1:12

God created every form of vegetation with the potential for fruit in the Garden of Eden…but He waited until He had a “manager” to put over the garden before it brought forth fruit.  His original intent was for man and woman to discover treasures and create beauty as they tilled the magnificent garden He’d created.  Genesis goes on to tell us there were hidden riches in the rivers which went out of Eden waiting to be uncovered and discovered.  The work was going to be edifying, fulfilling, and amazing.

But Eve sinned and enticed Adam to sin.  And because of their bad choices, God put a curse on the soil.  They would no longer be tillers, they would be toilers.  To “till” holds the promise of breaking up soil and preparing fertile ground for seed which would become a full harvest leading to health and sustenance.  To “toil” designates hard effort, pain, and labor.

But the amazing thing about God is that He didn’t leave man in his fallen state.  He sent His own Son to die on the cross to take our punishment and make a way for restored fellowship with Himself.  And when He did that, He broke every curse and redeemed mankind to His original intent.  When we make Jesus Lord of our lives, everything changes—we become a new creation in Christ.  It’s as if God takes us back to the Garden of Eden and His first plan and says, “It’s all yours!”  God desires for us to till.  He’d like nothing better than for us to discover treasures and create beauty.  He has filled us with purpose and wants us to use the gifts He’s given us to invest in the kingdom of God.  He’s put us as managers over His creation… just like he did Adam.  And we have the privilege of tilling once again.  

A Grab Bag!

LADIES!  I've had so many miscellaneous items donated for you that I decided to put a collection together to give away.  Who doesn't need some gifts in a closet just for giving friends for birthdays or Christmas?  Or you may want these just for yourself!  You'll find books, cups, lotions, jewelry, a scarf, etc. in this grab bag.  (Some gifts not pictured.)  All you have to do is go to our Facebook page and under the "Grab Bag" post, tell me what you did for the 4th of July to be eligible to win this prize package!!   

Here's to good friends!!

A Safe Place

I want to remind you that this blog is a safe place.  Pastor's wives have such few places where they can share anything they want and KNOW it won't be shared with anyone else.  That's why I made this a private blog!  I want you to feel confident knowing you can respond to any article knowing your heart will be guarded here.  That's why this blog is for pastor's wives or staff wives alone.  We need a safe place to share with one another---a place where we know no one will take what is said here outside of this group--even what is shared in a blog.

I hope you feel comfortable in that.  I hope you know I will guard your heart.  My own heart is burdened for pastor's wives--knowing some of them are drowning in hopelessness or feeling very alone.

YOU, my friend, are on my heart a lot.  As I "get to know" some of you through Facebook (as you answer questions to win prizes),  I just wish I could invite you over for a cup of coffee for a chance to talk one-on-one.  I want you to know I deeply care about what you are walking through.  It's not enough for us to put on our happy face and go to church and sit on the front pew...I want you to know someone cares about what is going on in your hearts and minds.

I may not have all the answers, but I do know how to listen, pray, and share what God has taught me.  Here's my private email address in case you ever need someone to talk to and you need an even safer, more private place to talk.  dietzbecky@hotmail.com  
Don't hesitate to email me.  I'm here to help.

I'm praying for you tonight.
Becky

The Invisible Woman

Build well, my friends...even when no one sees.

Police Officer Blesses Pastor's Wives

Kristi is a police officer in Texas who wanted to bless some pastor's wives, so she created and gave away a coffee mug and cup who went to Karen Metzger and Jennifer Davis, respectively.  When Kristi's dad was only about 45-years-old, he had a massive heart attack and Kristi kept him alive until police officers arrived and saved his life.  Because of that one act, Kristi chose to go into law enforcement and puts her life on the line every day in a large Texas city.  Kristi has a big heart and I think that's pretty obvious.  I just wanted you to know someone who honors you.

Cup Give-Away!

These two cups were created by Kristi who wanted some pastor's wives to know that they are LOVED!!  Comment below or go to our Facebook page and tell us your favorite summer drink to be eligible to win.  Do it by Sunday---that's our announcement day!

Depression in the Ministry by Becky Dietz

We shouldn't be depressed in the ministry, should we?  I mean...we have the Living God residing in us.  The Living God who has all the answers!  And yet we hear of more and more pastors leaving the ministry and many of them naming depression as the root cause.  Today, I heard of a wonderful pastor who took his own life because of depression and I appreciate the transparency of his family to address the issue he was facing head-on.  Phil Lineberger talks about the whole issue he faced in a friend's eulogy (before taking his own life) better than I can.  I hope you'll take the time to read it here.

Why would a pastor become depressed?  I can think of one word.  Conflict.  The conflict of leadership and opposing vision.  The conflict of follow-ship...is my church following me, my teaching, my vision?  Are we all following God?  The conflict of counseling others and trying to help them get to a spiritually healthy place.  The conflict of finances, demands, staff goals and relationships, hearing God, dispersion of time vs. needs, sermons and leadership being critiqued.  The conflict of feeling like you should have all the answers and you don't and feeling lost...and afraid to get help.  Afraid it's going to hurt the cause of Christ.  These are just to name a few.

Of course, there's also the possibility of chemical imbalance, physical illness, or medications which lead to depression.  And the best place to start when you're depressed is with your physician.  These causes need to be ruled out before you start seeking answers elsewhere.

How can we help as wives?  Be aware.  If you see signs of depression in your husband, talk about it with him.  I can't encourage you enough to both have friends outside of your church whom you can talk to openly.  Every minister needs a minister...someone who can encourage you, give you perspective, pray with you and for you.  My "coach" told me this week that people should be drinking from our saucer, not our cup.  We should be in a place of purpose and destiny which fills us up to full and overflowing.  When we overflow, people can drink from our saucer.  If they're drinking from our cup, we'll become empty.  And when we become empty, we become depressed.  So look for the signs of emptiness and depression in your husband--and in yourself.  Don't be afraid to ask for help. You're not going to hurt the name of Christ by getting help.  He's bigger than that.

We don't have to have all the answers and sometimes, in the ministry, we feel like we should.  We shoulder and carry burdens not intended for us.  I've learned some of the best lessons from pastors and their wives who were willing to be totally transparent and honest with their "weaknesses"--and then watching them deal with those areas in truth, honesty, openness, and love.

Father, please help us.  We're living in difficult days--hard to deal with and hard to bear.  Undergird Your ministers with Your everlasting arms.  Breathe new life into them. HELP, God!!  Bring the help we all need.  Empower us by the Holy Spirit.  Be our counselor, helper, teacher, comforter, and guide.  Father, if anyone reading this is depressed or if their husband is depressed, please direct them to the very best help.  Open their hearts to admitting they need help and bind fear from them.  Protect us, God.  In Jesus' name, amen.

When You're No Longer Wanted by Becky Dietz

What happens when a church no longer wants you?  It's happening more and more in the U.S.A.  Churches are firing pastors...even pastors who established that church, grew it, and have been there for years.  It used to be that if a pastor stayed in one place for a number of years, it was a badge of commendation not just for that pastor, but for the church.  In fact, they both had to be careful that idolatry didn't become an issue--people worshiping their pastor.

That's very seldom the case today.  Churches become bored or disenchanted with their pastors at a pretty fast pace...or they begin resisting them--especially if they're trying to lead them in a new direction.

You have a choice.  You can stay and try to combat the issues with truth or you can choose to leave.  Neither choice is wrong.  There may be a stronghold in the church which needs to be torn down and your husband may be just the man to do it.  Just know going in that it will probably divide because truth is a sword.  There will be leadership which will resist it, people in the church who will resist it, and friends who will resist it...which is the hardest of all.  And you may find out just how few people want truth.  That's the sad state of the Church today.  On the flipside, it may surprise you to find out who is on the side of truth!

Or you can choose to leave.  That's also a legitimate choice.  You may have already fought a battle for truth for months or years and see no change.  You know in your heart that things are not going to change and for you to stay will only create more division.  And because you love the church and the people, you choose to leave.  Honestly, it may be that God has taken you in a different direction than the church and you're the one who's changed...and your belief system no longer matches that of the church.  In that case, it's definitely time to go.

Any of these scenarios is hard.  It's hard not to feel abandoned or unloved--dispensable.  But here's what you need to know.  GOD has closed the door--even if it's by the fact that He's allowed it.  And it's not to harm you.  If He has closed the door, He has a plan...a good plan!  He has not abandoned you, He loves you...YOU are His treasure.  But so is the church you're leaving.  The best and most gracious thing you can do is to keep loving that church, *don't speak badly of it, and honor the leadership and their decision.  Just know that God has allowed it for a reason and keep your focus on Him, trust Him and follow Him.  He will open a door.  *I recognize there may be extreme situations which call for discipline, rebuke and stern warning for the church.  And I'm certainly not an advocate of sweeping things under the carpet.  This is assuming you've done everything you could to bring healing to the situation scripturally.

Andy & I were 9 months without a job.  And I reminded him during that time that God would open a door for ministry.  Our hearts were yielded to Him and we had our hands in the air and were yelling, "Pick us!  Pick us!!!!"  If He's told us to pray for workers for the harvest, how will He not use us if our hearts are open to any correction and we're eager to help?  We recognized the next phase of our ministry might not be in a church and we were OK with that, too.

Spend your waiting time listening and allowing the Spirit of God to correct you, transform your mind, and give you direction.  Forgive any offenses--wipe that slate clean!  And be willing to do whatever it takes to provide for your family in the meantime.  Trust Him to open a new door and yield your heart to His desires and follow your passions!

He's gonna take care of you....I promise.

The Artisan Soul by Erwin McManus

I know so many pastor's wives who are struggling with their purpose, feeling unfulfilled, or afraid to step into what God is asking them to do.  God's been teaching me so much lately and I can't wait to share some of those things with you.  But in the meantime, my son sent me this video and I thought it was dynamite!  I hope you'll watch all 35 minutes of it...because it may just free you!

What Were YOU Created For? by Becky Dietz

I had very low, limited expectations as a young mom about God's purpose for my life.  I loved learning about Him and exploring new ideas, but because of some false teaching I'd taken in, I never pursued uncovering the gifts and desires of my heart.  I had lots of unfruitful thinking.  I was just a wife, mother, and staff wife--in my own mind.  My husband was the gifted one and got the pats on the back.  I just didn't see I had any gifts or if I did, that they were beneficial to the kingdom of God.

It wasn't until my last two kids were in high school that I ventured into the work force....and that was only as a church librarian.  But that was big wing-spreading for me!  I loved it...mainly because I loved books and was getting to choose lots of new books for the library every month.  After 5 years of being church librarian, I pursued becoming the director of a benevolence ministry our church had begun.  I got the position and God began doing an incredible thing...something I didn't even see until I looked back.  God began uncovering my gifts Himself.  I was discovering myself and my passions.  While I was librarian, I also realized I liked photography.  When our local K-Mart was going out of business, I found a Canon camera without a lens and bought it for $35.  My friend bought the lens for my birthday and we began taking photos at weddings.  We weren't the best photographers, but we were helping people who couldn't afford a "real photographer."  It was also in this same time frame that my daughter invited me to come speak at women's retreats she had for the young women in her church.  I. loved. it.  Who knew??

Through these experiences and in a relatively short period of time, God began showing me the purposes for which He'd created me.  I am passionate about teaching new truths to women.  Give me a pulpit, a stage, or a platform and I am in my element.  Public speaking is the #1 fear for most people...but I eat it up!  I love books.  I love to read and I love discussing books I've read.  I love learning...especially if I'm learning with someone who is just as passionate as me and we begin bouncing ideas or new revelation off of one another.  It's invigorating to me.  I am gifted when it comes to leading an organization and directing it.  I can see what needs to be done and know how to lead people and encourage them.  I used to feel guilty for spending so much time planning and organizing until I realized how necessary it was to be a good leader.  I enjoy photography.  I honestly don't use my 35 mm as much as I used to because my phone camera is so available.  But I've gotten some phenomenal photos with my phone and have successfully turned them into 16x20 photographs.  I love God's creation and brag on Him with my photos.  (He loves that--and gives me beautiful sunsets because of it!)

It's taken me a long time to realize who I am and God's purpose in creating me.  I hope you're already figuring that out.  I believe I'll be figuring out God's purposes for me the rest of my life.  He loves to unveil these things a little at a time.  I believe it's one of His delights--just like I can see many of my children's gifts and how God will use them before they figure it out.  It's taken me a long time...but I love being me.  I'm a unique expression of God...and so are you.  I hope you are awakened to some new-to-you passions God planted in you before you were born.  You're not just a pastor's wife.

The Winners!

THE WINNERS!

Christi Watson

Mary Jo Smith

I just thought it would be fun for you to see the winners of the Mother's Day drawing.  These young pastor's wives have each won a decorative cross and a Mardel gift card (already in the mail!).  But I thought it would be even more meaningful for you to see the donor of these gifts and hear a little about her....

Staci & her husband, Daniel

Staci donated the crosses and the Mardel cards.  Staci loves to give.  Her sister-in-law posted a picture this week of huge baskets of goodies she fixed for our 2 Groom high school guys going to State in track and for  their coach.  She has a very generous heart.  She also has three children--two girls and a boy.

Daniel and Staci have only been believers for less than a year.  They had family in our church who were talking to them about Jesus and they had lots of questions because of their background.  So they asked to meet with Andy, my husband.  With tears, they both made Jesus Lord of their lives.

Their story is so much more amazing than all of this.  But I have to tell you...Staci was the first to jump in with both hands waving telling me she wanted to donate gifts to some pastor's wives to encourage them.  My heart was greatly moved.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

It's MOTHER'S DAY!!  And because it is, we are giving away two gifts.  Each includes a cross and a gift card from Mardel Bookstore.  These beautiful gifts come from a young mom, Staci,  in my church who immediately responded and wanted to bless a pastor's wife.  You would LOVE this girl!  So...to win a cross and gift card, you have to tell me how many children...or spiritual children...you have!  

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all of you!

Something Good is Coming!! by Becky Dietz

Ladies!

I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am!  I asked my friends on Facebook if they'd like to participate in blessing some pastor's wives.  The response has been OVERWHELMING!!  People began messaging, emailing, and texting me saying they wanted to be a part of this.  I just want you to know....YOU ARE LOVED!!  I'd say the 99.9% have spoken (from my last blog) and they want you to know just how loved you are.  I think the thing which surprised me most is pastor's wives wanting to bless other pastor's wives....which shouldn't be a surprise at all.

So...we're going to have some fun on our Facebook & blog pages!  There are going to be give-aways, quizzes, games and all kinds of things to win some prizes.  If you're not already a member of our Facebook page, I encourage you to go join.  You don't have to be a member of Facebook to be a part of our give-aways, but there are always some things on Facebook which I don't post on here.  It's going  to be fun in the days ahead.  And who doesn't need some F-U-N in their lives??

By the way, this is a good time to spread the word to other pastor's wives about our blog and Facebook page.  Just remember, I have to have their email address to add them to our private blog.

Stay tuned....

Becky

The .1% by Becky Dietz

.1%.  That's not much...or it doesn't seem to be until there's a problem being created by .1% of the people in your church.  But that's actually how it works most of the time.

I was recently teaching the story of Moses to the children in our church and I got to the part of the story where Aaron had been talked into crafting the golden calf and then Moses came down from the mountain and crushed the idol and put the gold in the water and made the people drink it.  After that, he told the people, "Whoever is on the Lord's side, come to me."  The Levite priests were the first to come to Moses' side.  But 3000 stayed on the other side.  3000 out of 3,000,000 (this is the number of Israelites the  scholars believe came out of Egypt).  That is .1%.

So .1% of the people probably led the people into a revolt when Moses didn't come down from the mountain right away.  It could have been an even smaller number who began the crusade, but .1% ended up following and marching in the war against God.

Those are two things to remember whenever there is havoc being created in your church.

1. It's probably only .1% of the people leading or joining the crusade.
2. It's a holy war against God, not you.

Remember there are 99.9% of the people who have come over to the Lord's side.  They may not be vocal, but they love God and want to follow Him.

I've never seen trouble being stirred up in churches like it is today.  Maybe it's always been there, but it's at least more vocal, upfront, and visible.  The .1% motto seems to be, "Don't get in my way!"

A word of advice from a pastor's wife who has been there:  Hold tightly to the 99.9%!!  I went to friends whose husbands who had an opposing view of my husband and said, "We will NOT allow this to affect our friendship!!"  It will be the elephant in the room until you address it.  I encourage you to address it.  There are so many people who love you but just don't want to get involved in any drama.  And honestly....aren't we all tired of the drama?  I encourage you to LOVE the people---even the .1%.  God wiped out the .1% in Moses' day--the priests were instructed to take their swords and kill them all.  But today, He tells us to love our enemies.  I won't lie...this way is harder.  We'd love to take the swords of our tongues and destroy them.  But God commands us to love them.  And if it's a holy war against God and His instruction is to love them...what right do we have to disobey?   As you express love to them, keep in mind the 99.9% really love God...and most likely, you.  Forgive and love the .1%.  And then leave the results to God.

Special Needs in a Pastor's Family by Ronnie Arrington

We all know the whole “fish bowl” idea of the Pastor’s family, we have lived it, we are swimming in it, and it seems as though at times all eyes are on you and your family. Add a child with any type of special needs into that mix – well, let’s just say the water gets just a little bit rougher at times – but it is possible to “just keep swimming  just keep swimming” .

My husband Joel and I have been in full time ministry for almost 20 years. We have four children ranging in age from 13 to 17 all with totally different personalities, ways in dealing with the ministry life and different needs.

Tyler is our 13 year old and our special needs child. Tyler’s story is simply one in which we have to constantly look at and say “WOW GOD!” I won’t go into his whole story here, but will share a brief overview. He was born healthy and full term as our #4 baby.  Having 3 children prior to him we were aware of the “norms” of newborns – they lose weight, then rapidly gain back to their birth weight within the first two or three weeks. So, at three weeks old when I took Tyler in for a well check and he wasn’t back to birth weight – I knew we had a problem.

Fast forward to 6 months old, many doctor’s visits have passed and we get a phone call from our pediatrician. He stated that he had consulted with specialists and they all agreed that it looked like Tyler was a false negative on the cystic fibrosis test – basically meaning that even though he tested as NOT having it, they believed he did. He had all the classic symptoms and they wanted him tested as soon as possible. We prayed, we got others praying, we cried, we prayed some more. By the time we got to his appointment at Children’s Hospital he had NO SIGNS of it – the Doctor looked at us and said, this can’t be the same baby I saw on paper…ONLY GOD! Believing that this was the end and Tyler would be just fine we happily went home none the wiser.

It was only the beginning of his story. Tyler continued to struggle with developmental delays, weight gain, ear infections, random high fevers, loss of muscle use at times and more until he was about 4 years old. At four, he was diagnosed with moderate to severe hearing loss. Most of the other issues slowly resolved with the exception of developmental delays that were primarily in the form of learning disabilities. To sum it up – Tyler is 13, is academically at about a first grade level, behaviorally he is at about an 8 to 10 year old, has some speech impediment, and has hearing loss. On the outside he looks like a normal teenager so to the average person he doesn’t seem like special needs…which brings me to how this plays into ministry.

Remember that fish bowl? Now in that little bowl is a fish that from appearances looks normal but if you are around him for any length of time, he doesn’t act just right, in fact he acts a little wild, he talks a whole lot, he is lacking in social skills, he must be rebelling when he cracks a joke instead of reading the passage of Scripture you just asked him to read in class, why doesn’t he sit still like the other teens…You get the idea. I can’t tell you how many times over the past several years we have had some person (sometimes well-meaning and sometimes not so much) pull us aside, decide they need to give us parenting advice or question our ability to work with children and youth when we can’t control our own child.

 So…how have we stayed in the bowl of ministry life with this little fish that isn’t quite what the traditional minister’s family is supposed to look like? Well, it certainly hasn’t always been easy and we definitely still have our hard moments – in fact just the other day I received an anonymous letter (which most of the time I don’t open but did this time – bad idea) criticizing my parenting, my ability to homeschool this little man, etc. Yet, we have learned a few things that have helped us hang with it…

1.  “Children are a gift from the Lord.” Psalm 127:3 The Lord knew what He was doing when he placed Tyler in our family. He also knew the life of ministry that He was calling us to. Tyler has been such a gift and joy. For all his struggles, he has a servant’s heart that surpasses many adults.
2.  As parents, our children are our number one ministry – even our special needs child! We have an obligation to him and his needs. This means that there are times that as a mom, I have had to just not go to something if it is too much for him, we have to go on all camps/trips with the church with him, and in some cases we have had to politely decline for him to go on certain things.
3. We have learned to be open and honest about Tyler, his needs, his personality, etc. in the interview process with potential churches. We let them know that he is a work in progress and to please not have any expectations.
4. You have to have a sense of humor – both with your child and others. Go into it realizing that no not everyone will “get it” and some will judge (don’t they anyway?) Be able to laugh and move on.
5. Give ourselves and him grace in our parenting, we don’t strive to make him meet other’s expectations or even those of our other children – we look for what is good for him in terms of behavior and responsibility.

If you too are swimming in the bowl with a little fish that has some special needs, let me encourage you – you can do it, you aren’t alone, and God can totally use that fish to reach so many more in your church and community. Due to having Tyler in our family, we have had so many open doors to reach families of special needs children. We can relate in a way that no one else can. We can reach out with arms of love that say “we get it.” In our ministry right now we have several children with special needs ranging from hearing loss, autism, learning disabilities and more – Tyler is the first to love on these guys, pat them on the back and be a friend! What a bridge. I would love to connect with you if you are swimming this path and we can encourage one another! 

Ronnie and her husband Joel have been in full-time youth and children's ministry for the past 19 years. They have four children Hannah, Malachi, Kestra, and Tyler. Along with a heart to serve alongside her husband in ministry, Ronnie has a specific heart for Moms of Preschool age children. She is currently the Director of the Parent's Day Out program at their church in Levelland, Tx. and loves the opportunity to reach families of preschoolers! Whenever possible, she enjoys going on both domestic and foreign mission trips and serving children and families elsewhere. She uses her Thirty One Gifts business as an avenue to contribute to mission efforts around the world and is excited to see God use this to further the Kingdom.

Easter & Pastor's Wives by Becky Dietz

It's so hard to pause and truly appreciate Easter when you're a pastor's wife.  Easter Sunday is probably the busiest Sunday of the year!  Finding Easter clothes on a budget, Easter baskets for the kids (if you do that kind of thing), getting everyone fed and dressed and to church, helping your pastor-husband with many logistics in the Easter service(s), getting a family photo while everyone is dressed in their Easter Sunday best, cooking an Easter meal and possibly having family or friends over, making sure children change out of their Easter clothes....it's enough to say, "Come quickly, Lord Jesus!  Finish this thing!" 

There may be no way out of the mayhem you'll face this Sunday.  So can I just suggest something?  Take these few days for yourself leading up to Easter to focus on Jesus and what he went through.  This is a good site to look at the timeline of the life of Jesus leading up to the cross and resurrection.  It's helped me as I've remembered what Jesus endured.  Have a grateful heart this week.  Thank God for giving up His Son.  Thank Jesus for his willingness to go to the cross for you.  Praise God that Jesus didn't stay dead!!  Be appreciative that you get to serve Him by loving Jesus' bride.

I encourage you to find an age-appropriate movie to watch with your family this week about the death and resurrection of Jesus.  Ask your kids afterwards if they have any questions.  If you have small children, plant some flowers together from seed (if there's not still snow on the ground where you live!) and talk about how it's a picture of Jesus.  The seed has to die--but new life will come.  

Do something for someone else this week.  Bake some cookies, invite a widow or widower to join you for a meal, babysit for a single mom....give and love.  Be reminded of why Jesus came and what His mission on earth was all about.  Use it as a teachable moment for your children.

Be intentional.  Think about the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus.  Remember why He came.  And fulfill what He's called us to do...even in little ways.

HE IS RISEN!  HE IS RISEN, INDEED!

Transitions by Pam Holman

As my first time with you, I’d like to tell you a little about myself and about some transitions in my life – transitions that we all have and how we respond to them.

I married the love of my life, Randy, at the age of 18 while he was 20. We grew up in the same little country church and met when I was in 6^th grade and he was in the 8^th grade.  I’m still head of heels for him!  J   I worked while he finished college and we had our first child 3 years later, followed by 2 others.  More about being a mom and Gigi (grandmother), later!  I’ve been a stay at home mom, had my own business with Discovery Toys (LOVED this job!!), worked in a doctor’s office part-time, worked many years as assistant to the principal in the school district so I could have the same schedule as my kids, and finally after the kids left home, became the Preteen/Children’s Minister (part-time) at church.  When I am passionate about something, I put my whole being into it, so Randy said I went from a 40 hour full-time work week at school, to a 65 hour part-time and half the pay work week at church!  J   But God had given me a vision and passion to revamp our whole ministry to reach more children and truly make a difference in their lives.  But that is another story!  My life has been full of transitions and I have no doubt yours has been, too!

I have been a staff wife for 42 years and have experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly! I’ve thrown suitcases in the middle of the floor (mentally!) and told God to get us out of here!!  J That didn’t work, by the way!  I learned the hard way how prayer gossip works – Randy shared something with me and I shared it with a friend asking for prayer.  Next thing I knew, he heard about it from someone and knew the only person he shared his concern with was me.  Uh-Oh!!  Prayer gossip is rampant, I’ve learned.

Two years ago, God revealed that after 15 years, I had completed the vision He had given me and it was time for another transition.  He brought the person who would take this ministry to the next level and I trained her for a year before officially “retiring” last May.  The church gave Randy, my husband, sabbatical time and we used it to travel last summer and fall to some places on our bucket list.  We have a little hybrid travel trailer and after spending 5 solid weeks in it, we decided we still love each other and enjoy being together!  It was a precious time and we had so much fun!!

Another transition.  Upon returning from our time away, I visited an adult Sunday School class.  That very day, I knew sitting in a class was not for me!  Besides, it was WAY too different from the way we do Sunday School in the Children’s Ministry!  J  So I began greeting at the entrance to our Children’s building and hugging on parents, kids and substituting in the baby classes after the greeting time.   It was OK, but still didn’t seem what God had for me – so I continued to wait for His direction – that is always the hard part!!  One day the Preschool Coordinator asked if I would consider teaching a Young Adult Ladies Class for women who just haven’t connected with Sunday School. (They don’t feel comfortable in a couple’s class because their husband’s don’t attend, they are single again, they are an older single, etc…)  It was to be a class located in a room off the Preschool hallway, so it would be close to those who had young children – they would be near them.  And since we wanted to reach women in our community, who might never have attended Sunday School, we wanted a class location that would not be intimidating.  I prayed about it and tentatively said I would try, but that I was NOT a teacher!!  I’m a leader, encourager, hugger, organizer, and relational, but we would need to find a Bible Study approach with a DVD teacher!  J  We made up a class roll of women we knew who weren’t attending, I contacted all of them, created a fun environment in the room and we began.  The first Sunday we had 6, the next Sunday we had 12, and the 3^rd Sunday we had 18.  After 6 weeks, we have 21 on the class roll.  What really surprised us was that we had women from early 20’s to their 70’s!!  God took our willingness to try something unique and different, and has blessed our socks off!!  We are taking every single person’s gift in our class and using it to minister to others.  We have a class photographer, a breakfast club team, mission organizers, encouragement teams, social media team, Ladies Night Out team, and whatever else we need to make sure all of us are connected! 

Life is full of transitions and as I get to know you more, maybe the transitions we all go through will be made easier because of our friendships and sharing of our experiences! God has a plan for us and I can hardly wait for the journey with you!!

Pam Holman

Staff Wife – 42 years

Currently at FBC Lubbock – 34 years

Worked with Preteen / Children’s Ministry – 15 years

Currently teaching a ladies intergenerational Sunday School Bible Study class

Words that describe me: energetic, creative, positive, passionate, fun-loving, encouraging, compassionate

Book Give-Away

After reading the series of blogs by our Anonymous Pastor's Wife, another pastor's wife recommended this book.  This book is actually out of print, but we've found a copy.  We're having a give-away on our Facebook page--so head on over there!  All you have to do is leave a comment telling us your all-time favorite Christian book.  This is all part of our Pastor's Wives Appreciation Month!

Adultery in My Marriage by An Anonymous Pastor's Wife--Part 5. A Family Redeemed!

Becky and I have known each other for a long time, but the details that lead up to us meeting once a week after my husband left were nothing short of God’s tender care over my life.  He set it up and then Becky so graciously gave up one afternoon a week to pray and listen.  She listened without an ounce of judgment of who we had become, or what sins our pasts were riddled with.  We did not talk bad of my husband, nor did we pretend that we knew the answers to why this was happening.  We simply allowed God to move in power as she held my hand and walked beside me through each step of this hard process.  It was during one of those meetings where God changed everything.  A mountain was moved, and He left no doubt in any of our minds that He was at work.

Right before I was about to meet with Becky, my husband had called to see if we could discuss a few things.  I told him I was headed to town and I would meet him but that I would not talk over the phone.  He was mad and frustrated and I was not going to let our emotions rule this conversation.  As we talked, something strange happened.  We had a decently peaceful discussion and even laughed a little.  His anger grew weaker and I felt more comfortable with him than I had in a long time.  It was as though he could actually see me, the real me.

Strangely enough, as we were talking, she kept calling him.  Over and over her unwanted phone calls rang through the thick air of the car.  I knew he was leaving to meet her and as soon as I got in my car to meet Becky, I called her and asked her to pray.  We prayed the roof off of the car that afternoon.  We prayed that God would turn my husband’s heart away from her and that he would see the truth.  We prayed that he would be disgusted by her and of his sin.  We prayed that satan would no longer have his way with my marriage.  The power of God’s Spirit was so present and I could feel His love all around me.  We had dinner together and as I was driving back to my parent’s house that night, my phone rang.

I knew.  I knew that God had heard our prayers and performed a miracle.  I had asked God for so long to make us new that when He did, I believed it.  The next weekend, our children and I moved into the apartment where my husband had been living.  My parents thought it was a bad idea and understandably, had horrible feelings towards my husband.  They had carried so much of our burden with us and for us, and had seen the ugliest part of what an affair can do to the hearts of those left behind.  But, I had a choice.  I had to believe that God was going to do this.  I had no faith or trust left for my husband at this point, but I believed in God.  I was fighting to keep my family together and I had confidence that God would work this out for our good.  It was not easy.  I was walking blindly, with so many questions and hurts and fears, but I was walking all the same.  Tiny steps towards what I hoped for.

A dear friend of mine was once told that fighting for her marriage with a cheating husband was the weak choice to make.  I assured her that one of the hardest, strongest choices you can ever make is to stay.  Choosing to stay will remain one of my hardest battles.  Those first two years were a constant up and down struggle for what I knew was true and what history had burned into my memory.  There were reminders all over and the biggest of all was the one I had fought for.  I unintentionally often drove by a hotel where I knew he had been with her.  We had a couch that he had bought for his new home apart from me.  I found an old cell phone with text messages of adoration for someone else.  I did not have to look far for the bricks that could have built a new wall of resentment between us.  They were all over.  But, little by little the remainders of what once was began to diminish.  We dumped the couch.  He threw the cell phone so hard into a dumpster and we watched it bust into hundreds of pieces.  The laptop where this hidden relationship had begun became dust particles on our porch.

I have had many hurts, but thankfully I did not have a lot of hate.  I prayed for God to keep my heart soft from day one, and He did.  However, there was one specific moment where I remember a very strong emotion welling up from the pit of my soul.  The woman my husband had been with was devastated that their plan to be together did not work out.  My husband was working in a public place that she knew of, and she began showing up during his breaks.  He was very honest with me about this and had told her that it was over and that she needed to stay away.  She did not stay away.  And so I found her.  I knew I would not be able to find an email address, so I found her on social media and wrote her a private message.  I guess it was a respectful warning of sorts.  She was still living in secret and I let her know that if she did not stay away, I would bring it into the light.  We were making progress, and I was not going to allow her to disrespect my children and I any longer.  We never heard of her again.

You see, choosing to stay means that in your weakness and weariness, your sword is out and you are ready to fight.  Not with yelling, accusing, harsh words or rubbing the wrongs of others in their faces, but in the way you love when it is not deserved or you forgive daily.  It is hard and gruesome work for everyone involved.  It is by no means a glorious, magical life.  It took in depth counseling, non-stop patience, dying to self, loving beyond anything our emotions tried to lie to us about, unending forgiveness, wise counsel from close friends and lots and lots of prayer.  And God.  God took what was a complete disaster and made it beautifully new.  We look back on those 7 years and cannot believe that was us.  Our marriage is not perfect, but we have now been married 8 years beyond that horrible experience.  We are in the much better half.  Through these 8 years God has restored us to each other and to Him.  He daily reminds me of what He did all those years ago, and I am in awe of His love and passion for us.  He is for marriage.  He is for us.  Choosing to stay is the best decision I have ever made.

*This is a very long, yet condensed version of our amazing testimony of God’s goodness in our marriage.  Even though this is written anonymously for the sake of our young children, my husband and I are more than happy to visit with anyone facing the devastation of an affair.  We understand how hard it is to reach out while in ministry.  We are an open book and will answer any questions you have.  More than anything know that you are not alone!  Please contact Becky and she can get us together.*

Written by An Anonymous Pastor's Wife

Adultery in My Marriage by An Anonymous Pastor's Wife--Part 4

Separation. 

I hate that word. 

It seems so mild in comparison to what actually happens to your entire being, while being forced apart from the one you pledged your life to.  The days after my husband moved out were some of THE HARDEST DAYS.  There is no candy coating this season of my life.  I felt like God was ok with me trusting in His goodness and faithfulness, and at the same time being incredibly sad and lost.  Like He could handle that.  And He did. 

The kids and I were living with my parents, he was at an apartment, our home was selling in another town, and we (he) was trying to work out the details of what this new life was going to look like.  It was around Christmas, and I remember an especially rough day when he began the discussion of our children being with him and his family for the day to celebrate…without me.  It was so surreal and horrible.  Our precious children had no clue what was happening, and I was doing my best to keep their hearts free from hurt, while answering their questions about why Daddy wasn’t sleeping at our house.  They cried for him and missed him every bit as much as I did.  We were a mess.

The “not knowing” is just so tough.  I was desperately crying out to God to heal my marriage and bring my husband back to Him.  As I was worrying about how I would pay the bills and move in to my own place, he was picking out furniture and shopping for cookware.  He was starting over.  He was very vague in talking to me, and if he had anything to say to me it was usually over a quick email or phone call.  He had built huge walls around his heart and his life, and I was on the outside, running like crazy to find an opening to make my way back in.  Would we ever sleep in the same bed again?  Would we ever travel again, which we enjoyed so much?  I did not know if I would be signing divorce papers.  I did not know if our children would be spending half of their lives apart from me.  There were just so many unanswered questions, and I was desperate to find answers.  Each day moved by so slowly, but then the bombshell finally came.  I had to meet him at work one afternoon, and he told me he was going to talk to an attorney about what it would take to file for divorce. 

Divorce.

The other word I hate.

This was not my choice and actually was the last option I was willing to be a part of.  I told him that if he wanted a divorce, then he would have to make all of the steps in the awful direction.   I was not going to help him out in any way.  He was on his own. 

And I cried.  I cried a lot. 

A couple of nights after that conversation, I was out for a cold walk around the track.  I was sobbing and asking God for direction and strength.  I lay down on the stiff ground, and looked at the stars through foggy eyes.  I knew if He was big enough to design and create the universe, then He could surely get me through this.  I have never felt His deep presence as I did during those excruciating days and nights. 

One evening, I was on the bedroom floor with my Bible open, reading through Isaiah.  The baby was sleeping, so the room was dark and I was using my phone flashlight to see the words.  I looked up into the corner of the room, and there was a blazing shield hanging in the air.  It was so real, I was afraid of the heat that should have been emanating from the flames.  Never again have I experienced anything like it.  I felt assured that it was God giving me a powerful sign of His protection over me.  He was fighting for me and with me, and this battle was not between my husband and I.  There was a spiritual war waging.  What Satan wanted to destroy, God was fighting to restore.

I had begged.  I had pleaded.  I had used the best words I knew to try to convince my husband he was wrong.  All I had left was prayer.  So I prayed.

And prayed.  And prayed.  And prayed…

Written by An Anonymous Pastor's Wife

Adultery in My Marriage by An Anonymous Pastor's Wife--Part 3

One of the most intimate, kindest gifts God has ever given me is the gift of forgetting.  She has a name and a face.  I do not remember either.  I can recall so many of the details of what once happened along the years of our lives together, yet these specifics are lost.  At one point in my life I thought I needed all the answers, and now I know that I have what is necessary, and no more.  God allowed just enough.  Just the right amount of information to move me forward, yet not enough to break me. 

It was a cold November night when I felt that I had been broken.  The one before he left and we were together in the same bed yet worlds apart.  The last excruciating night when I asked again and he finally answered.  The night I learned that the woman from the internet was more than just someone to talk to in the alone hours of the night.  He said she was amazing and she understood him.  She allowed him to be himself and listened and encouraged.  She had been there when I was not.  She was a wife and a mother, and in an unhappy place herself.  She needed and he needed.  Through secret communication there became a drawing of hearts and souls, needing to be fed.  Words were no longer enough, there must be more.

My husband left the next morning in search of more.  More passion.  More excitement.  More attention.  More of what he felt he deserved at the young age of 30, too young to be so burdened and tied down.  And she promised the freedom he longed for. 

I decided long ago that my battle with her was not worth my time.  In my heart, I knew that she was also being lied to and made to believe that this fairy tale ended with a white horse instead of a burned down castle.  I made up my mind to focus my attention on what I needed to do to keep my family together.  That was not an easy task considering the fact that he had left me for her, and was not giving me any information as to what was happening or even where he was living.  My mind was full of so many brutal questions, and in search of answers, I searched for her. 

Was she beautiful?

Was she provocative?

Where did she live?

Were they seeing each other often?

Were they sleeping together?

Could they truly love each other?

I had no name and no idea of where to start.  He protected her and had allowed her into our personal space.  He had put a wedge between us and the closer they grew together, the farther that wedge pushed us apart.  The thoughts of and feelings for her became an obsession of both of ours.  He wanted more and I wanted less.  I wanted her gone.  GONE. 

It is the most defeating feeling to know your husband has left you for another woman.  There is such a drastic force of insecurity and depression that takes you over, leaving you for dead.  Another woman.  The awful words no wife wants to hear.  And, Satan, in all of his evil and hatred, shining the light of YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH in your face, leaving you blind.  Blind to God’s truth and purpose.  Blind to the fact that she, this other woman, also has faults and mood swings and bad days.  Drowning in a sea of worry that you should have done more, been more, loved harder.  After all, if you had been more like her…  this would have never happened.

And then God happened.  He took that dim light from satan and shoved it down his throat.  Little by little, He began to open my eyes to the fact that we truly were not enough, but He was.  He wrote on my heart that until we searched for Him to be what we needed, we would always be discontent and looking for more.  While it took a good bit of healthy growth and prayer to overcome the insecurities that are left in the aftershock of an affair, I see now.  She holds no power over me.  I feel like that is why God sweetly erased her name out of my memory.  It is a symbol that she does not get to play a role in the script of my life any longer.  He has made all things new.

Written by An Anonymous Pastor's Wife