Special Needs in a Pastor's Family by Ronnie Arrington

We all know the whole “fish bowl” idea of the Pastor’s family, we have lived it, we are swimming in it, and it seems as though at times all eyes are on you and your family. Add a child with any type of special needs into that mix – well, let’s just say the water gets just a little bit rougher at times – but it is possible to “just keep swimming  just keep swimming” .

My husband Joel and I have been in full time ministry for almost 20 years. We have four children ranging in age from 13 to 17 all with totally different personalities, ways in dealing with the ministry life and different needs.

Tyler is our 13 year old and our special needs child. Tyler’s story is simply one in which we have to constantly look at and say “WOW GOD!” I won’t go into his whole story here, but will share a brief overview. He was born healthy and full term as our #4 baby.  Having 3 children prior to him we were aware of the “norms” of newborns – they lose weight, then rapidly gain back to their birth weight within the first two or three weeks. So, at three weeks old when I took Tyler in for a well check and he wasn’t back to birth weight – I knew we had a problem.

Fast forward to 6 months old, many doctor’s visits have passed and we get a phone call from our pediatrician. He stated that he had consulted with specialists and they all agreed that it looked like Tyler was a false negative on the cystic fibrosis test – basically meaning that even though he tested as NOT having it, they believed he did. He had all the classic symptoms and they wanted him tested as soon as possible. We prayed, we got others praying, we cried, we prayed some more. By the time we got to his appointment at Children’s Hospital he had NO SIGNS of it – the Doctor looked at us and said, this can’t be the same baby I saw on paper…ONLY GOD! Believing that this was the end and Tyler would be just fine we happily went home none the wiser.

It was only the beginning of his story. Tyler continued to struggle with developmental delays, weight gain, ear infections, random high fevers, loss of muscle use at times and more until he was about 4 years old. At four, he was diagnosed with moderate to severe hearing loss. Most of the other issues slowly resolved with the exception of developmental delays that were primarily in the form of learning disabilities. To sum it up – Tyler is 13, is academically at about a first grade level, behaviorally he is at about an 8 to 10 year old, has some speech impediment, and has hearing loss. On the outside he looks like a normal teenager so to the average person he doesn’t seem like special needs…which brings me to how this plays into ministry.

Remember that fish bowl? Now in that little bowl is a fish that from appearances looks normal but if you are around him for any length of time, he doesn’t act just right, in fact he acts a little wild, he talks a whole lot, he is lacking in social skills, he must be rebelling when he cracks a joke instead of reading the passage of Scripture you just asked him to read in class, why doesn’t he sit still like the other teens…You get the idea. I can’t tell you how many times over the past several years we have had some person (sometimes well-meaning and sometimes not so much) pull us aside, decide they need to give us parenting advice or question our ability to work with children and youth when we can’t control our own child.

 So…how have we stayed in the bowl of ministry life with this little fish that isn’t quite what the traditional minister’s family is supposed to look like? Well, it certainly hasn’t always been easy and we definitely still have our hard moments – in fact just the other day I received an anonymous letter (which most of the time I don’t open but did this time – bad idea) criticizing my parenting, my ability to homeschool this little man, etc. Yet, we have learned a few things that have helped us hang with it…

1.  “Children are a gift from the Lord.” Psalm 127:3 The Lord knew what He was doing when he placed Tyler in our family. He also knew the life of ministry that He was calling us to. Tyler has been such a gift and joy. For all his struggles, he has a servant’s heart that surpasses many adults.
2.  As parents, our children are our number one ministry – even our special needs child! We have an obligation to him and his needs. This means that there are times that as a mom, I have had to just not go to something if it is too much for him, we have to go on all camps/trips with the church with him, and in some cases we have had to politely decline for him to go on certain things.
3. We have learned to be open and honest about Tyler, his needs, his personality, etc. in the interview process with potential churches. We let them know that he is a work in progress and to please not have any expectations.
4. You have to have a sense of humor – both with your child and others. Go into it realizing that no not everyone will “get it” and some will judge (don’t they anyway?) Be able to laugh and move on.
5. Give ourselves and him grace in our parenting, we don’t strive to make him meet other’s expectations or even those of our other children – we look for what is good for him in terms of behavior and responsibility.

If you too are swimming in the bowl with a little fish that has some special needs, let me encourage you – you can do it, you aren’t alone, and God can totally use that fish to reach so many more in your church and community. Due to having Tyler in our family, we have had so many open doors to reach families of special needs children. We can relate in a way that no one else can. We can reach out with arms of love that say “we get it.” In our ministry right now we have several children with special needs ranging from hearing loss, autism, learning disabilities and more – Tyler is the first to love on these guys, pat them on the back and be a friend! What a bridge. I would love to connect with you if you are swimming this path and we can encourage one another! 

Ronnie and her husband Joel have been in full-time youth and children's ministry for the past 19 years. They have four children Hannah, Malachi, Kestra, and Tyler. Along with a heart to serve alongside her husband in ministry, Ronnie has a specific heart for Moms of Preschool age children. She is currently the Director of the Parent's Day Out program at their church in Levelland, Tx. and loves the opportunity to reach families of preschoolers! Whenever possible, she enjoys going on both domestic and foreign mission trips and serving children and families elsewhere. She uses her Thirty One Gifts business as an avenue to contribute to mission efforts around the world and is excited to see God use this to further the Kingdom.