Can I Have Friends? by Becky Dietz

Many pastor's wives ask the question, "Can I have friends?"  I've heard people counsel that pastor's wives shouldn't have close friends because it will create jealousy among the women in the church.   Or that you shouldn't confide in the women of your church because they will become disillusioned because you have needs (really??)--or they might betray your trust.  Then there are those who divide friendships into categories...coffee friends, shopping friends, day trip friends, prayer friends, etc....which isn't wrong.  But some do it to include as many women into their circle as they can and yet not give themselves completely to everyone--or maybe, anyone.

For years, I'd say, "Jesus is our example" for most things but didn't realize he'd left us an example for friendships.  He had levels of friendships.  You'll see his relationships extended from being with and ministering to large crowds to a confidential context with a best friend.  He was with the multitudes teaching them, healing them, and touching them.  But he ministered with a small crowd of people who followed him (including women).  He narrowed that down to discipling, training, and equipping twelve men.  He poured himself into these twelve.  He was entrusting his kingdom into their hands and was with them most of the time.  Out of those twelve men, he was closest to three:  Peter, James & John.  They were together at some pretty incredible moments--like the moment of transfiguration and praying together in the garden.  But of those three, Jesus had a best friend...John.  I love that John says about himself, "the disciple whom Jesus loved."  When Jesus was dying on the cross, he entrusted his own mother to his best friend, John.

I'm a person who needs friends.  I need deep, intimate, loyal friendships.  I didn't consciously set out to follow the example Jesus gave us with his own friendships, but when I understood his relationships, I realized I had the same level of friendships in my own life.

There are those women I've spent time ministering with--whether it was VBS, women's ministry, mission trips or benevolence ministry.  I think it's when you do ministry together in a large group like this that you begin to find people who are like-minded.  You're drawn to them and they begin to stick out as someone you want to get to know better.  Or it may be that you've had similar life experiences which creates a bond.  But out of this large pool of like-minded people, a smaller group can develop.

For Andy & I, this happened with a small group of friends.  We were all hungry to know God more.  We were searching for truth together and wanted to learn how to pray.  So we met to praise and pray in a safe environment and we jokingly began calling our time P&P (praise & prayer--and later, potluck)--and it stuck.  We met once a week with these friends with whom we felt safe and did what I call a holy experiment.  We tested the boundaries of prayer.  We may have done some crazy stuff to learn what pleased God, but we felt safe doing it because we were in it together wanting to grow spiritually.  We brought our children along and let them play together but many times they joined us.  Many of them point back to that time in their own lives as part of their own spiritual growth.

There are really very few women I've actually met with one-on-one to "pour into" or mentor as much as I've just walked with them and we've learned together.  My style of discipleship is through friendship.  As a friendship develops, I invest time in that friendship and when we're together, we just talk about God-things.  It's a give-and-take of conversation where we learn from one another and pray together.  At the same time we were doing P&P, I began meeting with a group of women to pray.  We met on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 5:30 a.m. and shared and prayed until 7:00 a.m.  That gave us time to meet and pray before having to get our kids ready for school.   It was a commitment.  But we were all very needy...and I think because each of us had such big needs in our lives and we were all honestly and openly sharing those needs and praying together about them, it created loyalty among us.  I think being vulnerable is essential to a deep friendship.  We protected one another and never shared what happened in those prayer times.  It was between us and God.  It was an exciting time as we watched God work in our lives!

Can you have friends as a pastor's wife?  Oh, I hope you will!!  Might you be betrayed?  Yes.  There's always that chance.  Jesus was.  I once told a friend a very intimate detail about my life and she shared it publicly.  It damaged our friendship even though we tried to talk it out.  Can you have more than one intimate friend?  Yes.  You may have many.  Will it create jealousy among the women of your church?  It could.  But you have to remember that there are baby or immature Christians in your church.  But you can lead by example of being a good friend just like Jesus did.  And you have to have a friend to model friendship.  I've had friendships through the years that ended because of disagreements. I've had relationships which were very lopsided with me investing much more than the other person.  Or I've had relationships where the other person was desperately clingy.  I had to back out of those friendships as gracefully as possible because they just weren't healthy.

Good friendships don't come easily.  There's a cost.  I bet if you examine your close friendships you'll find that it's the hard stuff which creates a bond.  It's walking together through a crisis, pressure, or trying circumstances which will cause you to link arms and make it through together.  You may become best friends with other staff wives because of hard experiences in your church.  Or you may becomes best friends with an extended family member or other wives with whom you have shared experiences.

I'm just hoping you'll give friendship a chance.  Ask the Holy Spirit (who is your teacher, counselor, guide...) to lead you to a good, loyal friend.  Ask Him to help you be the friend you need to be.  Solomon said it pretty well....

"There are “friends” who pretend to be friends, 
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
Proverbs 18:24 (TLB-emphasis mine)

Ask the Holy Spirit for that kind of friend--the one who sticks closer than a brother.  I'm praying He blesses you with a good, loyal, trustworthy friend--a friend for life.  A friendship filled with grace.